Dear Andy: Ultimate cures for a Stampede hangover

GOOD MORNING!  Too loud?  We know that most of our avid readers, as well as hundreds of thousands of people are suffering right now. Too many corn dogs and bottom-poured Solo cups of lager? Yes. During the Stampede of 2013, one of our stranger staff members, Andy Killinger, replied to a young man’s questions with a few of our favourite hangover cures.

We have chosen to outline them yet again for our faithful in hopes that you, too, can survive another day, and maybe even make it out to the 2P News’ “Drink Till You Have 2P” stampede event.

One of our new hires late last year, Yu Mii, also had one for the ladies, which we have added below Andy’s best ideas. We hope they help you recover. And CHEERS!

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Andy Killinger, Staff Counsellor

Dear Andy: My name is Steve and I spent the last week being paraded around like a trophy catch by vendors who aren’t really good at anything except buying drinks. I feel like crap and I have work to do. Can you help me find a cure for this damn Stampede hangover?  Begging for help, Steve

DEAR STEVE:  Okay here’s the deal.  First, stop bashing your service vendors. They are undoubtedly the most selfless and supportive people you will meet in this industry and you should try harder to please them. Maybe send flowers? And as for your hangover question, many remedies abound, but here at 2P we have a few tried, tested, and true formulas that have helped us in the past.

1)  The Ginger Flap – Have the red headed hottie you took home with you make you flapjacks and eggs the next morning.  This has been studied intensely at several community colleges in the southern USA, and they concluded that the chemicals released into your brain while you watch her making flapjacks in your Stampeders jersey will negate any ill effects from excessive alcohol consumption.

2)  Moose Ball Sandwhich – Get a local McDonalds to squash up and deep fry 4 quarter pounder patties and then squish them into a Big Mac bun. Voila! A classic if there ever was one.

3)  The Frac job – Developed in Norway by a team of gelogical students at Heimarfjord University, it’s tricky but it works wonders if you’ve been drinking Jager shots all night long. Mix 12 packages of pop rocks into a glass of luke warm tomato juice. If you drink it fast enough, the power of the exploding pop rocks will open up your “pipelines” and allow all the previous nights bad juju to flow out of you and reset you for the day – hopefully before you leave the house and get on the C-Train.

4)  The Displacement – We all know that one way to get fluid out of a well is to displace all of the volume out of the hole with another, less dangerous fluid.  Keep a record on your iPhone of the volume of every drink and then consume that same amount of 10% cream (or coffee creamer) the next morning. One way or another, you should fell better in an hour or so.

5) The Median – This technique was developed by a group of petroleum engineering students at a university in Texas, and here’s how it works: Recollect and jot down all of the previous hangovers that you’ve had in your entire life in a numbered list ranked worst to worsest. Now find the median ranking (if you are a geologist, please seek the help of an engineer to find the median, especially if there is an even number of hangovers in your set). Now rank your current hangover, and if it falls above the median, then just be happy that most of the hangovers you’ve had have been worse (or worser).

6) The 2Per – This is my secret remedy that I use when I have the wickedest hangovers. I open a web browser, visit my favourite website, and read all sorts of articles and share them with my friends. That really seems to do the trick, and I strongly recommend that you try that this week. Especially with a few friends and a lot of drinks. Drink, read, laugh, and be merry.

So there you go, Steve G., all the best. And if these remedies don’t work for you, then perhaps our readers will suggest some tricks of their own.

Andy Killinger, Staff Counsellor
Proved Plus Probable News

Yu Mii’s preventative prescription may work better than a cure:

Flappjackery – Start the night with a nice balanced meal and work your way out of the house with a few roads pops and a couple of stops at beer gardens and pubs along the way to the main events. But the kicker for me and Cynthia this Stampede, is to be prepared. Our 2-fold plan will work miracles, and spare us from any suffering tomorrow.  Stuff 3 or 4 flapjacks into your bra before you leave the house. When you start getting tipsy or feel like quitting, eat a flapjack.  They absorb the excess alcohol in your stomach and allow you to keep pace with the people buying you drinks, because, well, you had flapjacks stuffed into your shirt. When the flapjacks are gone, it’s time to go home.

HAVE A SAFE STAMPEDE CALGARY! 

3 COMMENTS

  1. I like that idea Kate….Andy might like it too much, he’s asking anyone that will listen if he can try it….he scares some of us most of the time.

    Don’t worry though, we keep him locked up near his desk. He’s a manager so he really doesn’t need to do anything anyway.