2P News stock downgraded

CALGARY, Alberta – In the wake of Suncor announcing an 81% drop in its profits amid sliding oil prices, 2P News just today posted disappointing results for the 2014 calendar year. In light of this, equity analysts at Auto & Moore have downgraded 2PN.AB stock from “hold” to “run for the hills.”

The 3-year old company, based in Calgary, Alberta, headed by 2 disgruntled former oil and gas professionals, Antoine McGuilicuddy, P.Geo. and Darcy Flowman, P.Eng., which was once the shining star of energy and political news publishing industry, has seen its market share plummet thanks to offshore competition including Bejing-based “Proved + Probable + Possible News (3P News)” and “Energy News & Curry In a Hurry” from Mumbai, India.

Enzo Moore, Senior research analyst with Auto & Moore, the chief architect behind the new rating, was adamant his analysis was correct and had the following to say:

Enzo Moore, Senior research analyst
Enzo Moore, Senior research analyst

2P News started out red hot in March 2013 as a privately held outfit run by 2 formerly homeless oil and gas professionals in the basement of Dr. Darcy’s grandmother. But as things started to grow and the 2 moved into a 325 sq foot Class R office space in downtown Calgary, the success started getting to their heads. I think the turning point for the company was when they hired writers, in particular, the Orange County-based Sir William Shortspeare – that guy is strange. We’ll see what 2015 has in store for 2P News, but right now it’s not looking good. – Enzo Moore, Partner

Mr. Moore went on to say that 2P News had missed its 2014 laughter and social media sharing guidance – guidances that had already been revised down in Q4 2014.

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One of 7 “refreshment” centres in the 350 sqft 2P News office.

He continued, “It would appear that only a few visitors find the content on 2P News knee-slapping funny, but the vast majority find it marginally amusing at best. And of those few who actually read 2P News, only a small percentage share what they read with their friends, and that hurts the company’s bottom line. And speaking of bottom line, it would appear that the company generated $347 of advertising revenue in 2014, but Antoine and Darcy expensed $9000 in alcohol for office staff in Q1 alone. So they need to learn the basics of balancing their numbers if they want to come out of this funk.

Interviews with the fearless leaders of the Media Giant have been short and somewhat angry, but a brief interview with 2P News co-founder Antoine McGillicuddy resulted in some insight into the future of his company.

Not very excited anymore.
Not very excited anymore.

I should have known there was trouble when Darcy and I were only able to issue 17 shares at our June 2014 IPO. Why 17? Because there wasn’t demand for any more. In fact, Darcy had to give 5 of the shares away, and even then, it was to his family. That jackass had better pick up his game, or else… or else, I’ll change the combination on the “refreshments” fridges.

While the future of 2015 looks bright for the popular and growingly silly 2P News collaboration, trading of its share on the Central Alberta Stock Exchange has been halted, and for the immediate future it seems that the stock will be traded in pints and wings at several local pubs in the Calgary region.

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