Bendovus Energy rolls out “3-Ply Thursdays”

"Our new 3-ply benefit is two-thirds better than our old 1-ply benefit." - Bendovus HR rep.

CALGARY, Alberta – In an effort to bolster its prestigious self-image that was only boosted when it moved to a new Ivy League type campus in the summer of 2013, Bendovus Energy is hoping it can retain and attract the industry’s top talent with a new benefit that it calls 3-ply Thursdays.

The Calgary-based major oil and gas producer made the announcement to its staff and contractors at a press conference just this morning.

The company’s VP of Human Resources took the stage early in the town hall to describe the concept, that it plans to roll out tomorrow morning.

Ms. Rusty Kuntz
Mrs. Vicky Snhiderpoop, HR

“Sure, some companies offer Flex Fridays, in-house brand name coffee kiosks, unlimited vacation plans, and bring-your-dog-to-work Wednesdays, but we thought we would make a difference where it really counts for everybody – in the rest rooms. We have received numerous complaints about the poor quality of our current toilet roll, and we thought why not include upgraded roll as part of our staff’s total compensation. Done and done.” Mrs. Vicky Snhiderpoop,CHRM, VP Human Resources, Bendovus

The company expects this new benefit to add an intangible element to its staff’s total compensation, that will really boost moral, making each employee’s compensation effectively infinite.

But in an effort to partially offset the costs of some of the best quality toilet paper available in North America, the company will roll out 3-ply Thursdays in a graduated system based on seniority and job title.

The 3-ply Thursday benefit is summarized below by 2P News chief medical correspondent, Yin Impossibru, LPN, who was in the press area during the company’s town hall:

  • The high-end toilet paper is dispensed automatically from a secured machine after the employee’s access card is scanned. 1-3 year employees will get 5 squares per sitting, 4-10 year staff will get 10 squares, and those who have been employed by Bendovus for 11+ years will receive up to 50 squares. In the event that a staff member requires squares in excess of their entitlement, a special request can be made by 2-way voice to the VP of HR. The staffer’s next paycheque will be docked a hefty $5 per additional square.
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SHIT stall dispenser
  • IT staffers who have been with Bendovus for over 25 years will have exclusive access to Special Honourary Information Technology stalls. SHIT stalls will be equipped with iPhone docking stations and other high-tech features to keep ITers busy while taking care of business.
  • Senior Executives will have special access to individual 8′ by 8′ bathrooms with luxury appointments that include padded seats wrapped in full-grain calf hide leather. Other creature comforts include 24k gold-plated 3-ply toilet tissue for that rich feel.

2P News reporter Yu Mii was able to catch up with a senior reservoir development engineer with Bendovus after the town hall, and he had the following to say.

Tommy
Bruce McShluushy, P.Eng.

“I’ve often questioned why I continue to work for a place that offers only 1-ply loo roll, and it’s not even the soft stuff. In fact, it is so thin, that I’d consider it 1/2-ply. I was very close to tendering my resignation after 27 years with Bendovus until this morning’s town hall and news of this benefit. I think I’m a lifer now, thanks to our creative HR department and their value-adding, forwarding thinking! What would we do without HR people?!” – Bruce McShluushy, engineer

When asked about how she feels her company’s rivals will take to the ground breaking new benefit that Bendovus is offering, the company’s VP of HR replied, “I fully expect this initiative to spark some type of movement in our industry after other companies have executed fecebility studies with poo diligence. Why? Because it hasn’t been dung before. Butt until our peers, including EnCrapa Corpooration, are able to offer similar enhanced benefits packages, I offer this steaming nugget of advice: we plan to wipe up the competition.”

[Editor: I can’t believe we published that last quote, because it was nowhere near punny.]