EDMONTON, Alberta – Earlier this week the Premier of Alberta, Jimmy Prentice, publicly blamed Albertans for the state of their province. Refusing to admit it had nothing to do with poorly qualified bureaucrats or dim-witted political puppets, ol’ Jimmy flat out blamed Albertans for their choices in government. He assumed of course that there was a better option throughout the years, rather than the cold reality of having to choose the most palatable from a number of poisons.
The 2P News staff thought hard about this, and decided there had to be more to the story. So we dispatched 2P News representatives Yu Mii and Cynthia Redbush to Edmonton for a sit down with Prentice.
While he still refuses to meet with members of our news team, interviews with Albertans outside of the parliament told us a story the public rarely hears. We have used that information to put together a list of the top 10 things Jim Prentice blames on Albertans.
- Edmonton being north of Calgary. This is the fault of the founding settlers of Alberta’s capital city. If current Edmontonians don’t like it, they should apply for provincial funding to implement a municipal transfer to a more appealing location.
The Oilsands. Why couldn’t they discover them in British Columbia or the United States instead of Alberta. This failure lies solely on the men and women of Alberta’s oil and gas industry. If they would have discovered it elsewhere, Alberta would have fewer public relations issues with the international community.
- Too few mountains. The fact Alberta has a smaller mountainous region than British Columbia really bothers Prentice. He believes that the vast population of pretentious skiers and stoner snowboarders in Alberta cause more erosion than the Earth’s rock cycle would, prohibiting the growth of more peaks on Alberta’s western border.
- Algae in central and southern lakes. Prentice believes that if Albertans washed more, the lakes would be cleaner for more of the summer and more people could enjoy the somewhat pristine waters our recreational areas.
- Regional Flooding. Without a doubt, Prentice blames Calgary’s devastating floods on the people of Northern Alberta using too much water. Current flood mitigation policies are revolving around limits on water use for communities north of Airdrie. Excluding the residences of provincial government employees, of course.
Rubber prices on the NASDAQ. Prentice believes that if Albertans drove normal vehicles, and did not lift, modify, or ‘redneck’ most of their vehicles with ungodly oversized tires and wide racing slicks, the world’s rubber market could be normalized and many 3rd world countries would reach economic viability.
- Alison Redford’s disappearance. Prentice is still on the hunt for Alison Redford’s whereabouts, as evidenced by the use of government funds to hire private investigators to locate her. He blames Albertans for her disappearance, and for the fact she obviously feels she cannot return here without being ridiculed to the point she cries. Assuming of course the former vampremier is physically able to cry.
- Road and highway conditions. Prentice blames Albertans for the the state of the roadways and highways in Alberta. If they stopped driving, the roads would be in perfect condition and would likely never require government funds for repair.
- His hair. If Albertans were nicer to conservatives and sent flowers, cheese, and candy to his office, his hair would likely not be as gray as it is.
- Alberta’s International reputation. The Calgary Stampede is completely responsible for Alberta’s reputation as a party province in the international community. If the Stampede was cancelled, we might have a shot at being taken seriously abroad.
This list was compiled by interviewing random bystanders walking around the parliament building in Edmonton late at night. They may or may not reflect the actual intentions of the Prentice government.
That assumes, of course, that the Prentice government has any agenda or intention aside from skirting issues and placing blame on the people For whom they work. We here at 2P News vote that he goes to work for Target in the United States, where it seems incompetence and failure are rewarded with large monetary compensation and a pat on the back.