Substance abuse leads Cheaterson to Implement new safeguards

HOUSTON, Texas – Based in large part on a study that was released earlier this year that found that the vast majority of oil and gas professionals abuse recreational drugs, Cheaterson Energy has begun to retrofit its head office with new high-tech security measures aimed at preventing its staff from working under the influence.  An observational study concluded in late November revealed that a high percentage of Cheaterson staff were regularly showing up to work under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

The study began when much of the work being done seemed to be incoherent and out of focus.  When the investigation revealed it was not one or two staff, but a large portion of its employees, the company had no choice but to move in a policing direction and install a series of new technologies to prevent work from being done while under the influence.

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Kandice Rezzenwier, VP of Hotness

We found that a minimum of 90 staff were drunk on any given day, with that number typically doubling after lunch.  It was unacceptable.  We are going to implement new security measures to ensure that irresponsible staff are dealt with.  They will sign a contract with an expected workload for a given time period, and if they miss those deadlines they are going to be released.  – Kandice Rezzenwier, VP of Staff Relations at Cheaterson

The new security technology takes it cues from MADD and other organizations aiming to prevent the operation of motor vehicles under the influence, with some extra steps.

  • All staff will have their retinas scanned at entry to the office for dilated pupils or other substance related eyeball variations. Staff with irregular eyeballs will be refused entry.
  • All computer terminals in the building will have breathalyzers installed to prevent alcohol-induced project work.  This is targeted at geological and geophysical staff, as there was a higher percentage of random mapping and depth converting discovered within these disciplines.
  • Toilets will have urine analyzers installed.  If there is a high content of illicit substance found in urine, the restroom stall will lockdown for 24 hours while the staff member is detoxed.  Overhead shower sprinklers will ensure they get a hot shower during their stay.
  • All coffee in the building will be consumed from special mugs wired with monitoring technology to ensure there are no coffee additives put in the cups.  This is to prevent the all so common Friday morning ‘Drilling Fluids’ meetings.
  • Management will be required to retrofit all staff with RFID-based microchips that shock them slightly if they get to close to specified venues during work hours.  This is aimed at keeping engineers out of local pubs during lunch hours.
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Bruce McKrimmon, Senior Reservoir Engineer at Cheaterson showing how he now logs onto his office machine.

2P News remains skeptical that this plan will work for Cheaterson, but is considering having some of the technology implement in its office in an effort to get Darcy & Antoine back on task and focusing on the future of Proved Plus Probable.