Queen of England steps in to help with Alberta spring election

EDMONTON, Alberta – Having seen and read enough about the bitter back-and-forth feuding between the popular parties in the running for the May 2015 Alberta spring election, the Queen of England, the right honourable Queen Elizabeth II, has decided that it will be in the public’s best interest to have the elections settled in an unorthodox but very entertaining manner.

The Queen, who’s impartial, non-partisan powers reign from far across the Atlantic pond, believes that voting by Albertans should be supplemented by a series of competitions that will test the political mettle of each party leader. The idea is that the decision to elect the next premier of Alberta will hold 50% weight from the standard voting process and the other 50% from what the QEII calls the Alberta Electoral Games.

Queen Elizabeth II
A very excited Queen Elizabeth II

First, I know of no single formula for success. But over the centuries I have observed that some attributes of leadership are universal and are often about finding ways of encouraging people to combine their efforts, their talents, their insights, their enthusiasm, and their inspiration to work together.

I see NONE of these attributes in any of the leaders running in the Alberta elections. So I have decided step in and help, by challenging every one of the leader to a series of mental, physical, and emotional exercises that will help members of the public make their decision come voting day, May 5, 2015. – Queen Elizabeth II, speaking to 2P News from Harpreet’s Fish n’ Chips truck parked in Trafalgar Square

During an exclusive interview with the Queen held via Skype, 2P News political correspondent Daveed Nillass was able to learn quite a bit about the events that comprise the Alberta Electoral Games.

DN: “So, Queen, what sort of events do you have planned for the Alberta Electoral Games?”

QEII: “My phone rang the other day and it was my dear son Charles, who happens to fancy WWE wrestling that you guys have over there in Canada. So I thought to myself, why not have all of the party leaders get in a cage and wrestle each other to see who is the mightiest leader of the lot. My money is on that young slapper who heads the NDP, because word over here is that she urinates standing up, and strictly speaking, ladies around here who do that are quite good at the fisticuffs. There will also be events aimed at seeing how they control their spending, and what not.”

DN: “That sounds like fun. It’s a good thing that there will be a medical doctor in the ring, because David Swann is likely going to need to treat himself during and after the match. And the leader of the Alberta Communist Party, he’s going to…”

QEII: “Pardon me for interrupting, Mr. Nillass, but to test the candidates’ ability to communicate without using their words, I will arrange a nationally televised debate whereby each leader is allowed to communicate via only blackboard and chalk. This way the lawyers in the group will not have an advantage of the gift of gab, and Janet Keeping of the Green Party will be able to express her creativity under whatever influence she chooses.”

DN: “Oh, man. I can’t wait. Is there anything else that you’d like to say in closing?”

QEII: “Part of my motive behind the AEG is that I am very miffed that one of the most dangerous motorways in Alberta is in my namesake. Heavens to Murgatroyd, now why is that? Mr. Nillass, I’m off to Bedfordshire now, I bid you farewell.”

DN: “Toodaloo!”

Mr. Antoine McGuilicuddy, a 2P News co-founding editor and leader of the Save Alberta from Idiots Party (The Save Party) is ecstatic about the idea of getting into a wrestling match with Notley, Prentice, Swann, Keeping, and Clark. Being a former field worker, the well decorated geologist is no stranger to rough and tumble type work. Mr. McGuilicuddy spoke to 2P news reporter Yu Mii just this morning specifically about the cage match event.

Screen Shot 2015-04-23 at 11.00.44 PM
Mr. MiGuilicuddy, leader of The Save Party

I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to step into the ring with these party leaders for decades, and let me tell you, it’s not going to be pretty. Notley? Well, despite what the Queen says about her standing up to pee, she’ll be the first one to go after my patented Atomic DDT. I’ll plant somebody in the crowd to scream “420 Alert”, which will distract Janet Keeping enough for me to clobber her with a flying elbow. David Swann will tap himself out of the ring, because he’s so clueless.

This will leave me and Prentice toe-to-toe, mano-a-mano, and we’ll see where things go from there. But one thing I can tell you for dang sure, is that pretty-boy Prentice won’t sporting those caterpillar eyebrows and that perfect hair when I’m through with him. Bring it on Jimmy-Boy! – Antoine McGuilicuddy, getting a little too excited

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Cynthia comes to 2P from a terrifying role as a land sales administrator with Farmout Energy. After an extremely vocal jab at the CEO during a town hall, she found herself unemployed and being targeted by both Antoine and Darcy for a full time role at 2P News. Digging into the culture of our industry and our city, no one likes to get her hands dirty like Cynthia.

2 COMMENTS

  1. I am the Queen of England
    I love to sing and dance
    And if you don’t believe me
    I will punch you in the pants

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