CALGARY, Alberta – Bendovus Energy has lost a large percentage of its workforce after a disastrous townhall meeting on Tuesday. The meeting unveiled a new corporate structure for the failing oil and gas giant, much to the anger and disappointment of its staff and shareholders.
Key among the announcements was the appointing of ex-Toronto mayor Rob Ford as Junior CEO under Deng. If that wasn’t bad enough, it seems they are also going to relocate the Beau Tower to Toronto. It has been reported that 43% of Bendovus staff have already resigned their positions and are planning a stern protest to the changes via social media.
We feel Mr.Ford can add a little spice to our bland menu here at Bendovus. Our technical departments are a little too vanilla, and I’ve been told we need more diversity.
This is a direct response to our staff’s requests.
And while more controversial, the move to Toronto will help us appease central Canadians. The move will be expensive, but by moving the Bow brick by brick instead of building a new highrise, we’ll save thousands of dollars. – CEO Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn
While the addition of new executives and a seemingly ridiculous office move stretched the imagination, the corporate shuffle doesn’t stop there.
- Regional Operations Managers were excused from their cushy positions in favour of a more relaxed operational platform implementing secret ballot voting by staff for all operational decisions.
- Accounting staff were asked to give up any form of bonus structure and accept a ‘Marshmallow-per-payable’ compensation program whereby a sweet Stay-Puff treat is given for each accounts payable or accounts receivable transaction settled.
All human resources staff have been terminated, as they were deemed largely useless and would only fit the new corporate mold if the office moved to Montreal.
- Technical staff were asked to move to Toronto or resign without severance. Mysteriously, dumpsters full of paper and hard drives have been burning since late Tuesday evening.
2P News co-founder Darcy Flowman has been investigating the issue since Wednesday morning, using his patented sit-in-a-pub-with-a-table-full-of-beer technique to attract Bendovus employees for off-the-record interviews.
This is disgraceful! Deng has finally lost his damn mind! Who wants to move to Toronto anyway? Not me. And Rob Ford as Junior CEO? What the hell does a Junior CEO do anyway? Drink with Deng, that’s what! I’m glad I quit. I heard Costco is hirng anyway. – Judy Likarokk, P. Geo.