Genetically modified bamboo self-drills oil wells

TULSA, North Virginia – Polecat Drilling Co. of Stinktey, Oklahoma today announced a breakthrough oil and gas well drilling method.  Company president Tork Mudlager presented the details at a beer pong contest organized by the World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS) during the annual convention in Tulsa.

He said,

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Mr. Tork Mudlager, CEO

I got the idea when a growing tree root cracked the sidewalk in front of my house.

 

It’s well-known that certain species of bamboo can grow at a rate of up to one foot per day.  I hired a genetics laboratory to tinker with the growth gene in Giant Timber Bamboo (Bambusa oldhamii) and they got it to grow one foot per minute and it would continue to grow as long as it is supplied with nutrients.

In the company’s first test, its chief drilling engineer planted a modified specimen, let it start growing, uprooted and inverted it and then chained it down. This was followed by dumping a special nutrient solution on the root ball the stem started growing straight down at a fantastic rate, pushing its way through dirt, rocks, whatever.

Since the bamboo is already hollow, it drills and cases the hole at the same time.  Once the target depth is reached, the idea is to simply quit feeding it. The drilling engineer explained how to know when to stop drilling: “Knowing the growth rate and time, this new technology makes it very easy to calculate depth and therefore when you’ve reached TD.”

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Various size 2-in-1 drill pipe/casing for different applications.

Mr. Mudlager went on to say that during tests the bamboo reached a depth of 1,000 meters but he expects that with further experimentation to double or triple that number.  Another objective is to control the diameter of the stem and eliminate the need for multiple bamboo strings. At present there is no method for running an electric log through the bamboo but the problem is being worked on by Slambanger Well Surveying.  The best use of the technology is in areas such as tar sands in Canada and the shallow diatomite in California, where logging is not essential.

This new GMO bamboo drilling method is not without controversy, however.  Despite the promise of a totally green drilling operation, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants organization (PETP) promised a vigorous protest of Polecat’s enslavement and exploitation of bamboo.

Anti-GMO (genetically modified organism) groups are worried that the bamboo will escape and terrorize the world.  Anti-fracking protesters are sure that if the bamboo grows too deep it will cause earthquakes and contaminate Earth’s supply of subterranean salt water.

2P News will stay on top of this story and keep readers abreast on developments as they become available.

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Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over forty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the petroleum industry from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.

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