Canada Goose parkas make way for the Northern Beaver

CALGARY, Alberta – Move over Canada Goose, here comes the Northern Beaver. Calgary-based OCM Inc. (Offshore Coat Markup) has released a new winter parka that  is sure to appeal to the majority of existing Canada Goose clientele thanks to its hefty price tag.

The revolutionary new super parka, which was specifically designed for Calgary’s extraordinarily harsh and blustery winters, is rated to a few Kelvin short of absolute zero. However, its creator believes that his clientele won’t care about the parka’s performance because the jackets are expensive and have an emblem that is 3 times the size of its Canada Goose competition.

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Hussein Wankoffski

We believe stores will have a very hard time keeping Northern Beavers on the shelf. They are inordinately expensive, they shout to the world that the owner has money (or a credit card), and people who wear them will feel richer than they actually are – these parkas are amaze balls. Those lucky enough to slip into a Northern Beaver will have a special air about them that is commonplace in and around downtown Calgary. – Hussein Wankoffski, President, OCM Inc.

The early feedback on the new parka is quite positive, with some people only complaining that the Northern Beaver brand name is not mainstream enough to support the astronomical price tag.

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Susan Propsack

Nobody is going to call me a Canada Douche ever again, now that I’ve got myself a nice fuzzy brown beaver. I love this thing.

Although the build quality and materials might not be on par with my old Canada Goose parka, the general public is starting to recognize that this thing is damn expensive, and that’s what’s important to me. – Susan Propsack, downtown Calgary mall surfer

When challenged about the shoddy and inconsistent quality of the parkas, relative to its sky-high price, Mr. Wankoffski revealed that the base jackets are mass produced in China and shipped directly his home. His factory of 13 off-shore seamstresses, who work in his basement (to save on general and administrative costs), then iron on a emblem that is 3 times larger than that on a Canada Goose parka, and that’s pretty much it.

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OCM Inc. production staff busy applying emblems in Mr. Wankoffski’s basement

That simple change allows Mr. Wankoffski to markup his company’s parkas by nearly 2450%, to have them retail at almost 3 times that of an entry level Canada Goose parka. “I believe if the emblem is 3 times larger, then so too should be its price – if there’s something I learned from reservoir engineering, it’s that there must a linear relationship there.” Mr. Wankoffski continues,

As a former exploitation engineer with Bendovus Energy, I know what rate of return is all about because we basically didn’t have to pay royalty burdens. And, boy, working with Bendovus, did I ever learn how to exploit partners… errr… properties. Anyhow, the rate of return on the Northern Beaver parkas is astronomical. Why drill wells when I can make greater margins feeding into the affluenza of every day citizens walking around in the malls?

Although Northern Beaver parkas are flying off the shelves so far this winter, only time will tell how sales will fair when a more expensive jacket, with an even more ostentatious emblem, hits the market.

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Cynthia comes to 2P from a terrifying role as a land sales administrator with Farmout Energy. After an extremely vocal jab at the CEO during a town hall, she found herself unemployed and being targeted by both Antoine and Darcy for a full time role at 2P News. Digging into the culture of our industry and our city, no one likes to get her hands dirty like Cynthia.

7 COMMENTS

  1. You will soon be able to find them at most retail outlets, including Macs and 7-11. So keep your eyes peeled.

  2. Labia, I’m not sure what you’re talking about because these Northern Beavers are brand new. Oh wait…

  3. My brother suggested I would like this website.
    He was totally right. This put up truly made my day.
    You cann’t believe simply how much time I have spent laughing my ass off!!!

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