Engineer responsible for multiple injuries in Texas

HOUSTON, Texas – We here at 2P News need to apologize to the good people of the southern United States. We published an article a couple of weeks ago that seemed to take social media by storm. The article, about 2 men drilling their own backyard oil well, was taken a little too seriously by several thousand Americans.

Many of these individuals, and some friendly groups, set forth to mimic and reproduce the backyard oil well in an effort to get rich, or simply see if it could be done. 2P News has just learned that there were over 200 minor injuries, and a dozen or so major injuries resulting from the belief that our articles are based in fact. We sincerely regret to inform these people that they are most definitely not.

Darcy Flowman (not his best photo)
Darcy Flowman, P.Eng. (not his best photo)

I got a phone call from a friend who lives in Houston yesterday and he told me there are all these people across Texas and Lousianna trying to drill their own gas and oil wells now, and getting hurt trying. I feel bad, but I was at 14 Coronas when I wrote that news story, and I don’t really feel I am responsible for what happened, but I do feel very bad.  – Darcy Flowman, Editor at 2P News

 

According to emergency personnel in Houston and Baton Rouge, the injuries largely stem from the Home Depot drilling rigs being built by the true believers. Two men were severely injured when a derrick constructed with zip ties and electrical conduit collapsed and trapped them beside the spinning rototiller draw works assembly.

Several members of the Swan Pines gated community were rushed to hospital when they attempted to frack an existing water main by closing the main valve below the street and creating excessive pressure with a rented vacuum truck. The main blew in several places and caused asphalt shrapnel to injure over 25 people working on the project. The street was completely destroyed for several hundred yards in both directions. Apparently, the residents were coerced into believing they could frac into the gas lines below the street and make a profits selling the gas to the utility company’s competition.

Sgt Thik Won, Austin PD
Sgt. Thik Won, Austin PD

We have had hundred of calls about falls, cuts, neck and head injuries, 3 severed limbs, and even a case of hemorrhoids. People are trying to build, drill, dig, frack, and even pipeline their own wells thanks to that idiotic article.

I read it twice, and I can’t believe people fell for that junk news. The writers should be taken out and dragged behind my Hummvee for a few blocks. – Sgt. Thik Won, Austin Police

Legally, the fault may lie with 2P News editor Darcy Flowman. Legal council from Douche & Stache Legal Services in Houston claims that it can file a civil suit against the international prankster and most likely win, if they get international support from the federal government.

While Obama declined to answer calls from Antoine McGuilicuddy yesterday, he did manage to speak to a public felations representative, who did say that Obama reads 2P News every day, and always seems in good humour after reading the silliness they publish.  She could not see any reason that Obama would allow the persecution of his favourite internet blog.