CALGARY, Alberta – In a move that has surprised nobody, including its pompous, self-important staff, Bendovus Energy announced today plans to build an office campus in the traditional style of a mid-century, pretentious Ivy League school.
The high-class compound will be constructed in the suburban development of Springbank Meadows Church Ranch Bears Paw Estates. This decision comes after the company’s staff, from the Chief Executives down to the receptionists, didn’t feel comfortable mingling with the common folk in and around downtown Calgary.
*Ahem* I think this is a great idea. You see, taking courses with technical staff from lesser companies was adversely affecting my IQ. I cannot attribute this feeling to anything other than mixing with lower class technical staff. In fact, since the announcement was made, I ran out and got this outfit so that I completely fit the part.
Do you notice how I have my Dan Bihn’s murse slung over my shoulder? Do you notice the scarf, and how neatly it is tucked into my Tom Ford blazer? Do you notice how I have one hand in my pocket and that I’m looking downwards as I address you? That’s what we privileged and bright people do. You’ll be seeing a lot of this at the new campus.
The gated 47-building campus will be situated in some of the most beautiful countryside surrounding Calgary over a 160 acre parcel of land. It will contain a number of facilities including a large body of water for sailing and crew, and special areas to play competition polo.
Bendovus also provided a memo noting that the 22 dwellings being demolished to clear land for the campus were simply tragic anyways, and families like that have no place irking around their new facility.
A recruiting drive is in the works as well, bringing speech therapist and etiquette scholars from around the world to assure the very best of those in their employ. Ms. Gretta Stikituya is leading the campaign with enamored enthusiasm.
The Petroleum and Gas industry has a ‘jeans and tshirt’ reputation. This is unacceptable when the world judges everything it does. Girls in dresses and skirts, men in golf shirts, downtown Calgary looks like the slums of Tijuana.
I look forward to taking the very, very, very worst of this industry and polishing them until they, oh what did Gordon say the other day? Shine like oil in the Gulf at sunrise! Oh my, this is going to be very titillating, indeed!
In order to maintain its self-proclaimed righteous image, Bendovus Energy has changed its human resourcing policies so that only graduates of Ivy League universities need apply for employment at its new campus. Current employees are assumed to be towing the line or hiding in fear of being downsized.