VANCOUVER, BC – Researchers at the University of British Columbia Medical School and Chop Shop announced a surprising finding regarding the effects of bitumen fumes. Dr. Taykit Upyoors, Chief of Forensic Proctology, reports that a previously unknown gas released by mining and processing of bitumen from Athabascan oil sands contributes to hallucinations in humans.
According to the paper released on the topic by the university, the concentration of gas necessary to induce hallucinations is only 15 parts per million when the subject has consumed at least one Moosepeace beer. The gas has no effect by itself or with any other beer. This ‘synergistic’ effect is unprecedented. UBC chemists are still working out the composition and molecular structure of the gas but it appears to be unique to bitumen. It has not been detected elsewhere.
At a press conference in Vancouver, BC, Dr. Upyoors continued,
The psychological effects of the gas plus Moosepeace are a cross between sniffing glue and taking about 500 mikes of LSD-25. It’s one badass trip. Our test subjects reported seeing everything from riding a unicorn across a rainbow bridge to battling Satan and an army of gay Nazi demons on motorcycles. Tentatively we’ve named it Kim Jong-un gas (K-Jug), for obvious reasons.
Our colleagues in mental health at Canadian Medicare wanted to keep this quiet. In Alberta, they’re already overloaded with head cases. However, word was getting out anyway and we decided to go public with our findings. In our opinion, knowing the cause and effect allows innocent people to avoid the K-Jug/Moosepeace combination. – Dr. Upyoors
Bendovus Energy CEO Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn reacted quickly to the news. In a phone interview with 2P News, he exclaimed,
This explains so many things! Every time one of our guys comes back from Ft. McMurray, he’s all shit-faced and strung out. I thought it was just the usual alcoholism and pot smoking. The deals they cooked up made no sense at all. For example, one landman wanted me to invest in a hydrogen pipeline from Jupiter to Earth. I fired a lot of people who probably didn’t deserve it. Oh crap, here come the wrongful termination lawsuits! – Mr. Dèng, Bendovus CEO
Mr. Dèng then ended the interview to meet with corporate attorneys.
Consequences of the announcement have been far ranging. Following the public release of this information, travel agencies in BC have reported a 42,000% increase in bookings for tours of oil sand facilities. Ft. McMurray Tourism’s website crashed from too many hits. Sales of Moosepeace beer in Alberta skyrocketed. The term “getting K-jugged” has already entered the Canadian national lexicon.