Oilsands giants partner to announce “Bitumen Fresh” air fresheners

FORT McMURRAY, Alberta – Yesterday, two of Canada’s largest oil giants announced a landmark deal worth $875 Million dollars.  The deal was unusual in the that newly created partners did not acquire land or another PNG operator, but rather a consumer product manufacturer. A deal of this nature is unprecedented in the oil and gas industry.

The sale of the home chemical product division of Margborg LLC to Mooncor and Bendovus Energy, while seemingly odd, has a very tangible and viable outlook for the oil and gas industry.  The companies plan to use the home air freshener division to create a Bitumen Fresh scented candle lineup, and possibly a plug-in oil-based freshener system similar to the very popular Glade products.

According to an article published in the BOE Report a few months ago, Bendovus Energy acquired 48% of outstanding shares in a Ft. McMurray bitumen vapour storage facility without much explanation to shareholders.  Now the purchase seems to add up.

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Jededia Hillke, P.Eng.

When they bought shares in what I thought was waste gas storage, I almost sold my shares, but then I realized that CEO Deng Dongbin was smarter than that.  Now, this is all coming together for me. – Jededia Hillke, Reservoir Engineer

The idea of creating bitumen air fresheners was pitched this morning in a press release in Milan, Italy.  The partnership feels that if the public uses and becomes accustomed to the smell of raw bitumen in a safe setting, their oil sands projects will meet less opposition, with hopes of becoming more profitable.

We see this as a chance to show people that everyone likes oil, especially this lovely smelling heavy crude bitumen.  Soon, the world will see every household smelling like a fresh tarpit, and everyone can enjoy the glory that is Canada’s oil sands. – Julie Krakhed, Mooncor spokeswoman

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A family of four, adapting to the new Bitumen Fresh air fresheners during the product’s European trials.

Data has also been released about public opinion trials held last year, and although they failed miserably in most markets, surges in rural areas with small, heavily related populations proved very positive – as did tests with NASCAR fans.

One aspect that tested negative in all markets was the faint brown residue that covered everything in the vicinity of the product after only a few hours.  While spokespeople at Mooncor say it is simply a natural and appealing tinge to the Ft. McMurray way of life, opponents say the chemicals emitted by the product are very likely dangerous and should be prohibited.

Sunchild Smilymoon, Just a hippy on a fence.
Sunchild Smilymoon – just a hippy on a fence.

This idea is insane, what the hell in Bendovus thinking?  Bitumen scented anything is a horrible idea.  If they don’t stop soon, everyone is going to be dead anyways , so who will buy their dirty oil!! – Sunchild Smilymoon, Greenpeace Edmonton

 

 

 

 

 

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A graduate of the school of hard knocks and drill pipe, Rodecker spent his youth chasing rigs & girls in every small town across western Canada. Always searching for the truth amidst the vast oceans of lies and innuendo, Rodecker brings a zen-like peace to the 2P News offices. With a degree in Sociology, a second degree in geology with a Master in geo-engineering, he is almost overqualified for his role at 2P. Almost.

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