California Cows Agree to Reduce Emissions

California Cows in a Pasture, Waiting for the Photographer to Leave
California Bureaucrats
California Bureaucrats

SACRAMENTO, California – The California Independent Petroleum Association (CIPA) announced today that it has reached agreement with the state’s dairy cattle to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by as much as 40%. The State of California now operates a “cap and trade” program with the purported purpose of reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

The fact that it funds a bunch of state bureaucrats is merely a happy co-incidence.  One way to meet the program’s requirements is to buy credits from emission sources that have reduced their output.  This credit-buying market is the foundation of today’s agreement.

It is well known that cattle belching and flatulence is a major source of methane, one of the most damaging of the greenhouse gases, far more than carbon dioxide. To reduce flatulence in cattle requires a change of diet. The ingenious solution laid out in the agreement is to purchase the corn formerly used to make ethanol as a gasoline substitute, treat it with the eructation and flatulence reducing product, Bean-O, and feed it to cattle in lieu of hay. Corn is naturally less gas prone and with its higher caloric value and lower bulk volume also reduces solid waste. The cap and trade credits for reduction in methane output will be apportioned among CIPA’s members according to each member’s contribution to the organization.

Ms. Elsie Borden, California Cow Representative
Ms. Elsie Borden, California Cow Representative

Ms. Elsie Borden, a California native but representing a majority of the nation’s dairy cows, said,

“This is a major step forward for the quality of life for cattle. It’s not much fun to be belching and farting all day long and dropping smelly cow pies all over the pasture where you live and breathe. Believe me, you don’t want to be downwind of my husband Elmer after he’s eaten a load of green hay.  Once again California leads the way!”

Ms. Save The Planet (she legally changed her name), spokesperson for the California Coalition for Classless Conformance to a Cowless Culture (CCCCCC) was ecstatic. She said, “Now all that grass that the cows were eating will be available to the vegans of California! Free-range grass is the best!”  It is possible that Ms. Save The Planet has her grasses confused.

The CIPA-cow agreement was the result of some difficult and complex negotiations. Since cows typically don’t have any money, the ancillary costs had to be borne by CIPA. Among other concessions, CIPA has agreed to remove beef from the menu at its luncheons.

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With seven degrees and 2 masters, Yu Mii is the most educated reporter on our roster. Bringing a sense of crazy fashion and outlandish personality to our offices, she always brings laughter and coffee to the office. Yu Mii is also working on her Ph.D in Nuclear Sedimentology, and the effects of nuclear disasters on trace fossil assemblages in modern depositional environments.

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