Decision comes after Trump’s Twitter tirade against Prime Minister Trudeau after G7 meetings.
OTTAWA, Ontario – In an unprecedented move by any Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau is planning to take military action against the United States of America in light of outbursts made by President Trump against Trudeau before, during, and after the G7 summits held in Quebec City last week.
“I’ve had it with Trump and his cry-baby antics. He wants to impose sanctions on us via tariffs on our steel, maple syrup, and beavertails? All I said is that we will impose retaliatory tariffs against US milk, cheese, and cigarettes and the guy gets his panties all twisted up. I’m tired of it, and it this has to stop. He wants to start a trade war? Well I say nuts to that… I’M GOING TO START A REAL WAR, WITH GUNS AND TANKS AND STUFF LIKE THAT! SO TAKE THAT, TRUMP NATION!“ – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at a press conference held at a downtown Ottawa Humpty’s restaurant
Canada will pull out all military stops
According to the federal Minister of National Defence Harjit Sajjan, Canada will attempt to impose its will against the US through heavy-handed, proactive military actions against our neighbour to the south until it surrenders and concedes to Trudeau’s trade agreements. General Jonathan Vance, the Chief of the Defence Staff has outlined plans for both how Canada will strike the US and defend itself.
- Line the US-Canada border with fully-equipped former NHL players brandishing hockey sticks and freshly sharpened skates with a death edge. Former Maple Leafs’ enforcer Tie Domi, who was selected to lead this group, was overheard exclaiming, “Put me in coach!”
- Equip CBSA border officials with maple syrup-filled super soakers with instructions to squirt first and ask questions later. Clear instructions will be given to aim for the eyes, nose, and ears to most effectively incapacitate enemy Americans.
- Use military-grade drones, remote controlled by some of Canada’s top gamers, to locate and cut power to US nuclear power stations in an attempt to Chernobyl them.
- Dispatch the entire fleet of Canada’s World War II era Air Force helicopters to hover over major US military installations. The idea is to have the 7 helicopters confuse US army personnel just long enough that the helicopters can drop metric tonnes of poutine on unsuspecting soldiers.
- Beef up ground border security by blasting the greatest hits albums from Celine Dion, Justin Bieber, and Nickelback at 140 dB. On repeat. Until the war ends.
- Defend our eastern and western sea ports by directing our warships to get into fender-benders with the US naval ships. The idea is that the time it takes for the accidents to be written up will somehow give Canada a strategic advantage.
This war will be over before is starts
A former World War II infantry trooper with 75 years experience as a military analyst with the Canadian Armed Forces does not think Canada has a good chance to win this war.
“The Canadian government’s military budget is 0.0000000000491 per cent that of the United States of America. Those guys down there have some pretty big toys and they aren’t afraid to use them. I predict that this war will last no longer than 11 minutes-15 minutes tops-before we will be forced to throw in the towel and wave the white flag.”
United States Secretary of Defense, retired US Marine Corps general Jim Fattis, does not believe that Canada will move ahead with plans to engage the US in military warfare. Upon hearing about the Prime Minister’s threat, General Fattis held an internationally televised press conference where he addressed the issue.
“Canada, lead by a Shiny Pony Prime Minister with a last name Trudeau… wage war against the US? What is this guy smoking? If there’s one thing that we Americans know about those people from Canadiana, it’s that they ain’t got no balls and they’re apologizin’ all the time. Go ahead Trudeau, just say go. Before you even have a chance to put another ounce of product in your pretty boy hair you’ll be wishin’ you could go back in time sitting in the lap of luxury with that silver spoon in your mouth while teachin’ Social Studies or whatever you taught up there. ‘Muurica! ‘Muurica!!!”