Canada acquires the United States of America for $2.1B

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“And your First Lady said it was *this* big, eh! No doubt aboot it! Don’t cha know?” – Harper and Obama hamming it up before a round of golf

OTTAWA, Canada – In a landmark acquisition of the ages, the likes of which have never been seen before, Canada has acquired the United States of America in a $2.1B deal. The deal has yet to be approved by the United Nations, but many analysts believe that the UN’s approval is a mere formality at this point in time. Prime Minister Harper held an emergency State of the Country address, where he explained the rationale behind the takeover move.

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Stephen Harper

Barack and I were chatting last week during a golf tournament, and after 4 or 5 beers, I jokingly offered Mr. Obama $5B for his country, considering all of the financial turmoil that his United States are currently weathering. I could see that the wheels were turning, so then I said, “Well, Detroit declared bankruptcy a couple of months ago, so how about $3.5B?” To which Barack said, “Okay, how’s this, if you can keep me on as the head of your new province, I’ll give it to ya for $2.1B?” Done. It was really that simple.

Prime Minister Harper’s press secretary has reported that Mr. Harper got a sweet deal, and that he plans to eliminate the state borders and call the entire lower 48 states the Southern Territories. And despite Alaska’s close proximity to Canada’s Yukon Territories, Mr. Harper plans to give it to British Columbia, to return a favour to Christy Clark.

Mr. Harper has told America that it can expect to see significant changes once the deal takes effect on January 1st, 2014, including, but not exclusive to the following changes:

  1. Mount Rushmore will be renovated to replace the existing carvings with ones of former Prime Ministers Mulroney, Chrétien, Clark, and Kim Campbell.
  2. Effective January 1st, 2014, hockey players in the Southern Territories will automagically become much, much, better.
  3. 4 down football will be a thing of the past. NFL teams will join the CFL and play real football, like real men, with bigger balls, a larger field, no “don’t hit me” catch, and a 20 second play clock that makes them earn their keep.
  4. Igloo construction and poutine creation will be standardized into the Southern Territories’ grade school curriculum.
  5. Hops, yeast, and clean water will be added to all beer as part of a new Sell Beer, Not Water campaign throughout the new territories.
  6. Health Care.  A touchy subject, but all residents of the Southern Territories may opt into Canada’s existing Health Care system by asking politely, eh.  They inturn can also opt out by telling Harper to go screw himself.
  7. Border services currently employed along the northern border of the Territory will be re-distributed along the borders of Quebec.  Residents will now require a valid passport to move in and out of Quebec, but Southern Territory crossing stations will be torn down and replaced with smiley face signs.
  8. The Fourth of July (Independence Day) statutory holiday will be eliminated, and Americans will now celebrate Canada Day on July 1st (and no more drunk parties between the 2 countries).
  9. The territory’s new slogan will be, “Well, being a part of Canada sure is better than being broke.”
  10. The flag for the new territory will be the beaver – because it’s all about the beaver.

And according to an unnamed source very close to the Prime Minister’s Office, Mr. Harper has plans to mobilize a special geological and engineering task force to the new territory to produce and sell all of its crude oil and natural gas resources. When Operation Payback is completed, which could take 10 or 15 years, he then plans to sell the Southern Territory to China. The only possible hitch in this plan is why would China purchase something that it already effectively wholly owns?