EDMONTON, Alberta – Many rumours and theories have surfaced since Jim Prentice was recently elected to lead Alberta’s Progressive Conservative Party. Everything from a total government spending shut down, to a massive no-holds-barred festival of free beer and hot dogs following another win by the PCs.
Jim Prentice has finally spoken out about some of his future promises to Albertans however, and among an intolerance for the lewd behaviour of geoscientists in this province, he also want to be a giver of kindness like the legendary King Ralph. In keeping with such lofty traditions, Prentice has promised he will guarantee an annual box of assorted candy for all tax paying Albertans. A full box each and every year he is in office.
While this may not sound like much, 2P News has it on good authority he will be obtaining the rare and exotic boxes of candy from government storage where it was previously being kept by Redford’s administrative assistant for his boss’s travel snacks. It is some of the best quality exotic candy imported from around the globe.
Ralph gave Albertans everything they wanted. A simple leader, a man of the people, who had a beer (or 17) and told the truth. Not one of these snivelling sleaze bags that is so full of themselves that they feel using public funds for private jets and back massages is acceptable. We need someone who can actually do the job, like that tack-sharp hottie from the Wildrose.
And have you seen this stuff? The reporter from 2P showed me a photo of some of the candy that he plans to hand out, and I couldn’t tell if it was candy or a biography of his career because it looked like little turds. That jackass can take his box of candy and shove it up his posterior orifice. – Jeremy Kooperton, Leader of The Proud Alberta Association
While the message from Prentice has generally not been well recieved, the party is optimistic that Albertans will come around to the fee fancy candy promotion. Enough that they actually believe they could win an election without much else as a platform.
I think that Albertans will really like my gift. Every year, like clockwork, I can have a delicious box of Redford’s personal candy stash. From what I understand there was over 700 million boxes in that complex, so there should be enough for everyone for years to come. – Prentice at a charity ball event in Camrose
While we here at 2P News do love candy, we are afraid that if Prentice wants to win our vote, he’ll have to pony up much more tangible offers to gain control – such as free beer nights at the Stampede. Or a week-long outdoor Oil & Grass concert sponsored in part by the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta. Or better yet, his resignation or timely defeat at the next election.