Company’s new-aged retention incentive discourages quitters

CALGARY, Alberta – According to a recent survey conducted by the Alberta Employee Monitoring Council, the vast majority of oil and gas companies in downtown Calgary are struggling with employee retention at their head offices. This is thanks in large part to employee loyalty being at an all-time low in conjunction with competing companies upping their total compensation packages to steal away staff.

But Cheaterson Energy has tackled this problem head-on, as it looks back on a leading-edge retention program that it put into place earlier this year.

Currently, the company’s Vice President of Sending Company-Wide Welcome Emails dispatches emails to all staff announcing new employees; the emails include a 3 or 4 sentence bio that shares a little background for each new employee. An online survey conducted by Cheaterson’s HR department in early 2013 indicated that the staff found this Welcome Email system to be very useful as it added great value to their everyday work.

In light of this finding, the forward-thinking HR department figured it could improve retention by sending a similar email after employees quit.

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Harry Handson, CHRP, Vice President

As soon as an employee quits, we dig up as much dirt as we can on him or her from our internal data repositories and publically available Social Media channels. We then compose and send an email to the entire company with every effort to prevent the next person from quitting.

 

Since we implemented this “Goodbye Quitter Email” program 4 months ago, voluntary employee attrition is down by 42%, and that makes me quite happy. – Harry Handson, VP of Sending Company Wide Welcome & Quitter Emails

Harry Handson provided the following email to 2P News reporter Tanner McRuffles, which shows the most recent example of the company’s Goodbye Quitter emails:

Hello everybody,

I would like to take this opportunity to say goodbye to an employee who quit last week.

David Mullitawagan – Capital Analyst
This guy was a turd in a suit and tie if I’ve ever seen one. If this crotchgnome would spend ½ the time analyzing capital as he did analyzing chick’s asses, we’d have a keeper here. But this soft-headed ass-hat had the attention span of gnat on marijuana. But since he’s now left the company, I’d like to tell you that David was reported to HR on a number of occasions for lewd behavior. In one case, he was caught firing off some knuckle children in the women’s change room during an office Stampede breakfast. And just last month, one of his colleagues found him whippin’ off a batch on his keyboard while viewing the  AFE Navigator login screen, while screaming “who’s your accrual, ooohh yeah baby, WHO’S YOUR ACCRUAL NOW, BITCH!!”.  So all things considered, everybody should feel safer around the office with this dipshit gone

In closing, I’d like to include a screen grab from surveillance footage in David’s cubicle farm that shows him having fun with AFE Navigator.

jerking

Best regards, and happy working! ;o)

Harry Handson, CHRP
VP of Sending Company-Wide Welcome and Quitter Emails
Cheaterson Energy

Mr. Handson’s new program might have gotten him in some hot water with the Alberta Federation of HR Compliance, because its president believes that the aforementioned email might have crossed the line.

The somewhat personal and embarrassing incidents that Mr. Mullitawagan experienced at Cheaterson were exposed to the entire company through the email, which I understand violates the Privacy Act. Mr. Handson must understand that even a former empoyee’s privacy must be protected. – Marcus Gravy, President AFHRC

According to one of Mr. Mullitawagan’s former colleagues, David plans to pursue legal action against his former employer, naming Mr. Handson as the primary defendant. This case will soon be before the courts, and 2P News will be there to report on the case and its outcome.