CALGARY, Alberta – Best West Exploration, the former poster-child E&P company that late last year announced that it plans to have a near $0 capital budget in 2014, has decided that it will need a 2014 drilling program in order to keep investors happy.
But since the struggling Calgary-based company continues to have problems raising capital through traditional means, it has decided to raise money through non-traditional means, starting with the ever popular crowd-sourcing technique. The company’s VP of Public Relations explains,
We see on the news that all sorts of small companies have been able to successfully fund their startups using Push Starter and other crowd sourcing outlets, so why can’t we? I realize that we’re not a startup, but based on our 2013 revenue, we are technically classified as a small company, so I figure this is going to work for us. Linda Preemie, VP of PR
According to an electronic Investor Relations bulletin released this morning, Best West exploration plans to start its crowd sourcing initiative along Stephen Avenue where it expects, “many rich people to walking and hanging about, with the occasional vagrant to push aside.”
For the first round of crowd sourcing, the company will send out technical professionals and geologists to stir up some interest in the drilling program. In the second round of fundraising, Best West plans to send land, accounting, and legal staff to secure the deals. Executives will be ever-present throughout the fundraising efforts since they have little to do back at the office.
The IR communication included descriptions of exactly how the company plans to effectively deploy its people in the new public arena; they are summarized below:
Engineers: These people will scream out prices just like auctioneers in attempts to grab the attention of passersby. Once they get their attention, they will then attempt to wow the crowds with fancy spreadsheets and plots showing development plans and production and reserves forecasts.
- Geologists: These technical professionals will simply draw maps on the sidewalk and some buildings with sidewalk chalk. They will be tasked at creating realistic maps of various kinds for the prospective play including structure, isopach, KH, and even neg pay. Some of the geologists might even use the new Rock-On colouring gloves created by none other than geological superstar Rocky Mindsporge. Often being confused for homeless people in general, many of the geologists will encourange donations just by virtue of the way they dress.
- Landmen: Land professionals will have the unique task of heckling passersby and guilting them into giving money to the cause – they will force negotiate donations to a point just short of uttering threats. And if passersby refuse, a landman will likely just take them out for lunch at a 5-star restaurant, because that’s what they do.
- Geophysicists: These hybrid mathematician-physicists will lay on the ground and pretend to have seizures, while moaning something about geophones and acoustic impedance. This technique is designed to draw the attention of concerned doctors who happen to be passing by; this in an effort for the company to get into their deep pockets for donations.
- Accountants: Once cash money has been received, these number-crunching whizzes will click-clack away on very old calculators trying to tally up the accounts receivable. They will be directed to hammer on the calculators even when people haven’t given money, so that it looks like people are giving money, in an attempt to get people to give money.
- Executives: The company’s top brass have the easy job of yelling at staff for not collecting enough money, while they stand around the Bill and Fatbastians coffee kiosk attempting to look important.
- Operators: Field staff taller than 6’4″ and weighing in over 250lbs will also get a piece of the crowd sourcing excitement by physically intimidating the skinny-jean wearing, urban, emo, tech support hipsters that plague most of the downtown core. They will also provide protection from Bendovus henchmen should they arrive to break up the crowd sourcing effort.
The company plans to raise $110,000,000 through crowd-sourcing to completely fund a 3-well Viking program in central Alberta (infill vertical wells at 25m spacing). Best West has already applied to the City of Calgary for a busking license, for which it awaits approval. The company plans to start crowd sourcing on the West side of 8th Avenue in front of the Chicago Hack House, and make 7 stops along its way down to Olympic Plaza.
Although industry critics denounce the company’s fundraising efforts, calling them a childish publicity stunt, Best West stands behind the plan and expects to be drilling shortly after breakup.