Local man refuses to dress up like a cowboy, visit the Stampede Grounds, or even eat barbequed food
CALGARY, Alberta – Calvin Calloway of Priddis, Alberta, a rural community only minutes south west of Calgary, has decided that he’s had enough of the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth and he is not ashamed to admit it.
The senior production engineering technician with Cochrane-based Wrangler Energy claims that he will not partake in any Stampede related activities in 2015. He explains his reasoning to 2P News Stampede correspondent Cynthia Redbush.
“You know, I’ve just had it. I’m done. I grew up on a farm and I’ve been around horses for decades. I’ve been going to the Stampede since I was a kid doing the cowboy thing, and I’ve got to tell you, I’m just getting tired of it. Into my adult years it’s the same damn thing year after year. You dress up, put on this ridiculous cowboy persona, talk with a southern drawl, drink beer, and watch people ride around on horses and cows. When you think about it, it’s complete nonsense. If the Stampede organizers were planning on having N visitors this year, surprise, you’re going to have N-1, and perhaps N-2 if I can convince my buddy Vince to not go!” – Calvin Calloway, former Stampede-goer
According to incessant angry ramblings from the 37 year-old overheard by Cynthia during the interview, the event is, “expensive, crowded, and typically unbearably hot.” Mr. Calloway figures he used to lay down at least $300 per day during the 10-day annual rodeo, exhibition, and festival that is held every July in Calgary with roots dating back to 1886. He estimates that at least 80% of that $300 is spent on beer alone, with the balance on Texas-style cheesy corn dogs.
Mr. Calloway continues, “I even decided to take holidays and stay home during the Stampede just to be away from downtown where most of the activity is. I don’t even watch the local evening news for fear of seeing an idiot in a cowboy hat.”
With attendance figures down 35% thus far in 2015, Stampede organizers are concerned that locals may indeed be losing interest in the event and are looking for ways to get reinvigorate Calgary-area residents’ excitement for The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth. Here are a few ideas that organizers are proposing to implement effective Thursday, July 9th:
1/2 Price for Calgarians: Visitors showing a valid driver’s license with a Calgary address will receive 50% off admissions and concessions, including beer. This promotion is not valid on the $100 gourmet hotdog scam.
NDP Crude Oil Dunking: A special dunk tank filled with volatile crude oil will be setup just inside the main entrance. Visitors will have an opportunity to drunk NDP MLA and premier look-a-likes in an effort to get Notley and her crew to understand the consequences of taking down the Alberta’s economy.
Banning Trudeau and Mulcair from ever visiting the grounds again. While not a reality for this year’s Stampede, even the future enforcement of such a rule would go a long way to encouraging Calgarians to consider visiting again in the future.
Frack Notley: The Midway will modify the Strong Man Challenge with images of Notley on the base. Imagine every beer-infused oil patch employee smashing a giant hammer down on her face every 30 seconds. Perfect. If they hit it hard enough, they get a refund of their admission and a free case of Moosepeace Beer.
Full Day Refunds: The Stampede will refund half of your admission and ride passes if you stay on the grounds for longer than 8 hours. If you stay for more than 12 hours, you will be refunded 75% of you admission and passes. The Stampede realizes that the food, drink, games, and markets are already vastly overpriced and they can make the same margin of return simply by keeping you on the grounds drinking $7 water or $8 Molson Canadian.
Kids Drink Free: Adults who bring kids to the Stampede between the ages of 18 and 29 will be able to get their kids drunk for free. Qualifying families will need to show photo ID and be limited to 2 offspring per family.
Surf’s Up Saturday: Saturday, July 11th will be a Surf’s Up theme day at the grounds. Attendees wearing surf shorts, bikinis, or other beach garb will be granted free admission. Attendees dressed in western wear or western ‘like’ wear will be charged double normal admission price. This is expected to draw more urbanites to the grounds, and given the popularity of the weekend rodeo events, attendance is not likely to shudder.
Stampede organizers are hopeful that these changes will encourage locals to come out in droves turning 2015 into a record year for the biggest Calgary-based rodeo event in the world.