Engineer invents cuttings teleportation machine

CALGARY, Alberta – Marcus Stanganfold, an electrical systems engineer with StarTreck Resources has developed a machine that can transport real-time drill cuttings to a lab or an office without the need for analysis by a wellsite geological consultant.  Dr. Stanganfold has been working on the process for 3 years in order to help cut costs and reduce the wait time and visually un-scientific analysis typically performed by sleepy or just lazy wellsite geologists.

Marcus Stangandfold, angry as usual
Marcus Stangandfold, angry as usual

My theory was to develop a way to bypass the creative interpretation of a wellsite geologist and have the raw sample sent directly to either a lab or directly to the exploration geologist’s physical desktop.

We find that much of the analysis and data retrieved from field workers is shoddy at best. There is a reason they are field personnel – not quite cut out for office work if you know what I mean.  A little short on the smarts. – Marcus Stangandfold, Double Ph.D., MSc., MBA, MPM, B.Sc., P.Eng., P.Geo.

The process involves a latent and somewhat controversial di-atomization of inert matter by using a specialized laser cross-fusion amplifier at the well site.  The sample at the drilling location is basically dissected and analyzed on a molecular level with a suite of very fancy scanning and interpretation software.

The data is then processed by a series of 12-Core custom-built Intel processors and then fed through the Internet to a precision 3D printer somewhere in Calgary.  The rock sample is not actually teleported, but dissected and then reprinted in detail at a specified location for analysis.  The technology would not work without a new 3D printer that uses rock dust to re-create accurate lithological samples.

Misa Un Goo, rocking his best clubbing outfit before a night in CowTown
Misa Un Goo, rocking his best clubbing outfit before a night in CowTown

We develop the printers when we sure the LCFA was going to be success. We had never used a dissecting laser to scan matter before and it only makes sense t0 start with rocks and not cats or dogs.

The initial focus of development was to enable people to move around the world by being broken up into molecules, scanned, and reprinted elsewhere just like the movie Timeline with Paul Walker.

Turns out there is more money in the oil and gas industry than there is in safe, energy efficient public transport. – Misa Un Goo, Primary Director, MegaBigScience Engineering

Wellsite geologist Arkee Morgan has expressed his disdain for the technology, citing the need for well site consultants to ensure the office geologists avoid making rash or un-educated decisions.

We see it all the time, those damn office flunkies can’t make a decision to save their lives.  That or they are drunk in a pub on Stephen Avenue.  Without wellsite geologists, the industry will be in shambles.  Can you imagine a directional driller trying to steer without someone there holding his hand?  I can’t.  Or a roughneck trying to catch good samples without a geologist looking over this shoulder and yelling?  I can’t.  This tech will ruin oil and gas development everywhere.

Although the future of the technology remains unclear, there is a going to be a push to further it and possibly try and move whole core to labs or offices via the Internet in the future.  Maybe even rig machinery from warehouses to the field drilling locations.