KASHYYYK, Dagobah- Despite the downturn in the oil and gas industry, older workers are retiring and the lack of trained field workers will prove to be a major problem when the price of oil recovers. To address the issue, a coalition of North American service companies and exploration and production companies has started a vocational training school for neophyte field workers on the planet Dagobah, aptly named the Dagobah Institute of Technology & Science.
DITS director Ham Seau Low justified the remote location of the school.
“Most of the people who come through the door have failed the drug test required by service and oil companies. That’s what is different about our school. Drug tests don’t matter; we’ll still sign them up regardless. When a group arrives on Dagobah, they’re thoroughly searched, inside and out, and all their dope is confiscated and destroyed. By the time they finish the course, they’re clean and conditioned to stay that way. The only thing available is Moosepeace beer and then only on weekends.” – Ham Seau Low, director
The remote, hostile location on Dagobah has another purpose, explained Mr. Low. He continued, “The place is like the worst Louisiana swamp you’ve ever seen. After completing the course work, we take them to Hoth and Tatooine for short stints so they’re further conditioned to extreme climates and attacks by monsters. After all that, places like northern Alberta or South Texas are a cakewalk.” Transportation among the planets is included in the cost of the program.
The course syllabus reveals that the curriculum includes remedial reading, writing and arithmetic, in addition to the usual oil field mechanical and physical skills.
When asked if the trainees are absorbing all the material, Chief Instructor Chester “Yoda” Swoboda intoned, “Stupid they are. But try I must. The Force is weak in them. Tumescent beings are they.” When quizzed by this reporter about his unusual speech pattern, Mr. Swoboda replied, “900 years like this have I talked. Your backside… spank it I will! You hole ass.”
The graduation rate is nearly 100% because no one is allowed to leave Dagobah until they learn the material. The few who don’t graduate are cremated and the ashes are sent back to their families on Earth.
Jed I. Dirtwalker, a graduate of the first class, said,
“It was tough, but now I’m qualified to live in a tent, sleep on the ground, work like hell 16 hours a day and get one day off each month. Know where I can score some grass?” – Jed I. Dirtwalker, DITS graduate