CALGARY, Alberta – Move over Academy Awards, because the Darcy Awards are here. The Darcy Awards, officially known as The Derricks, are a set of awards given annually for non-excellence of international oil and gas industry achievements. The inaugural Darcy Awards gala will be held this fall in Calgary’s Metro Convention Center, where organizers expect to see thousands of the industry’s worst in attendance.
This is shaping up to be quite the event in downtown Calgary. It is a first of its kind in the international oil and gas industry. We expect to see the entire spectrum of industry folk, from new-grads to seasoned executives who have been dragging the industry down for decades.
These awards will celebrate technical, non-technical, field, head office, and everything in between. This should be fun. I can’t wait, and I am proud to chair this inaugural ceremony.
The Derrick, which is the coveted trophy handed out at the Darcy Awards, is a gold-plated plastic derrick that stands 7 inches tall, and symbolizes the achievements (or lack thereof) of oil and gas professionals across the globe, both onshore and offshore, office and field, men and women, you name it, if they’re in the industry, they are fair game.
The nomination process for the Darcy Awards will be handled much like the Academy Awards, where the industry professionals vote for themselves, but voting will also be opened up to media channels and analysts who cover and report on the oil and gas industry.
Below is a list of nominations for only a subset of the categories covered by the award organizing body. Winners will be selected at the Darcy Awards ceremony later this year, and Proved Plus Probable News will be on location for interviews and to report the entire special event.
- BHA’s very, very, very friendly takeover of privately held Poukete Engineering for $2.7B
- Bendovus Energy trading all of its freehold mineral rights in Western Canada for a reservoir engineer, 2 geologists, a petrophysicist, and 2 landmen from Bark Resources in the first round of the 2013 Oil and Gas workers draft
- Jacoby Rosensteinberg’s sale of Chang’s Woking Late restaurant in the Nexen building’s foodcourt 3 days before the CNOOC takeover for Nexen was announced
Most Creative Reserves Booking:
- Harry Moorecock, for inventing the probabilistic Schrodinger reserves booking method
- Michelle Conner, junior reserves evaluator, for evaluating reserves to 7 decimal place precision
- Phillip Foresome, VP of Reserves at Crashent Point Energy, for overseeing a 1.7Bbbl Proved + Probable + Possible + Well, you never know + I know it’s a long shot, but hey + Shit, we’d have a better chance finding reserves on the moon reserves writeup in 2012, which will likely be written down at YE 2013
Most Creative Geoscientist:
- Rocky Mindsporge, for inventing a new mechanism for colouring geological maps
- Tony Finkelborn, for conceptualizing the breakthrough recline analysis technique (“if reservoirs would only recline and relax a little bit, they would probably loosen up and produce more oil”)
- Dustin “boom boom” Weaver, for using a free GeoPhone app to measure the seismic activity of gettin’ freaky with his girlfriend
- Aaron Boondoggle, entrepreneur, for creating a combination geo-services/food truck
Worst Geological Map Ever
- Johan Fabroni, for creating a Negative Pay (or Neg Pay) map by crossing lines on a structure map
- Truman Roosh, for creating a 1-to-1 scale structure map near Rocky Mountain House, Alberta
- Cindee McRotelfer, for mistaking a coffee stain on her net pay map as structure, and luckily drilling a great wildcat well in the Starbucks Formation
Most Significant Pipeline Innovation
- Jesus Johnson, for creating the pipeline condom (for the Northern Gateway pipeline)
- John Dooley, Mayor of Nelson, BC, for helping create the Keystoned Pipeline
- Hans Freekok, Alberta rancher, for getting some ass to move oil
Most Mathematical Geologist
- Jarrod Pushbarken, for being able to deposit the correct change in the soda machine in his office’s kitchen
- May Moogledorf, for bringing the correct number of water bottles to a meeting with 10 people, when all 10 people asked for water
- Bruce Tilleygarden, for taking a first year Math for Dummies course as a 4th year elective, and passing with a D (graded on a curve that he did not understand)
Most off-the-wall Stampede Activity
- Rom Profitsdown, for throwing one of the biggest Stampede party in the event’s 101 year history
- Carl Montgomery, CEO of Bentwest Exploration, for streaking through the 2013 Stampede parade wearing only a “Buy our Stock” bumper sticker on his ass
- Kravine Moorehead, Marketing Manager at MonoStat Oil, for attempting to have a party for 1 under her skirt during the 2013 Stampede, shortly before getting arrested for public indecency
Worst Drilling Activity/Plans
- Rene Connard, famous Montrealer who drilled a duster in the Canadian Shield
- Hugh Montgomery, wellsite geologist, for drilling a dual leg horizontal well in 100% non-reservoir
- Smitty Candguuds, shoe salesman, for conceptualizing the heel drilling strategy
The industy is abuzz with talk about the inaugural Darcy Awards. Brad Pitt and George Clooney, who starred in the universally disappointing Hollywood lackluster film, Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge, are expected to make a cameo appearance at the event. Proved Plus Probable is excited to be the exclusive media outlet that will attend and report on the short-pant affair.