My name is Jason. I am an analyst at a large PNG company in Calgary. I deal with computers and technology all day, so when I met a young lady from our land department, it was a breath of fresh air. She is so different than anyone I’ve ever met online before. I’m worried about asking her out because of all the scary harassment and policy emails we get here at the office. What should I do? Jason R.
Dear Jason: Okay, here’s the deal. First, don’t worry about those self-serving corporate liability emails. Those just cover the company’s dollars in the event you decide to play grab-ass in the hallway with a sexetary. Second, Land department, eh? I could go on for days about that one, but in your case, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and tailor my advice to the possibility she’s actually a nice person. Third, I’m hesitant to assume you’ve actually dated anyone outside of a Yahoo nightclub or on Plenty of Syph, so I’ll be very detailed in my response. You have 5 approach options.
1) The Flamingo: This is your most outgoing and flamboyant approach, which is not to be taken lightly. You literally have to go out of your way to get her attention. Stumble into her office door, trip her when she’s walking down the hallway, or just fart when you happen to be in an elevator with her. Trust me, she’ll notice you. Then all you have to do is smile and be charming. Oh wait, you’re an analyst.
2) The Geek: This involves you getting out your brain glasses and trying to look smart. If you’re good, it might even work. Get into the office early, unplug all her cables and phones etc, hell even unscrew the light bulbs. When she shows up and sees the problems, you can swoop in and hook everything up and save the day. It’s thin, but it might work. Talk to the nerds from IT if you need any advice on how to get things working again.
3) The Silent One: Can you be really, really sneaky? I’m talking Tom and Jerry tip-toe cartoon sneaky. You’ll basically be following her around for a couple of weeks. Not to close, and not in a creepy way. Just try to go unnoticed and learn her every move. When you think you know her habits better than she does, it’s your moment to GET ARRESTED! What is wrong with you you creepy bastard!? Don’t let us ever find out you acted on this or we’ll rent a minivan and find you. Weirdo.
4) The Negotiator: Okay. This one is a bit daring, but it can pay huge dividends and get you an instant date. Here’s how it works: Arrange to get your crush in the elevator alone with you. Ask her about the Flames or some other bullshit boring stuff, and then out of nowhere -BAMMM!!!- hit the emergency stop button mid-floor. Now put her land skills to the test by having her negotiate her way to freedom. I did this back in ’78 and it worked like a charm, one of my best dates ever. But I spent 7 in the Iron Bar hotel for that move.
5) The Stockholm: By far the most daring way to get her attention, and the most illegal. WE DO NOT CONDONE THIS! (but it might work, you never know). If you borrow‘her for a few months she may get Stockholm syndrome and fall in love with you. Again, not a good idea, and I’m ashamed to even bring it up, but you are basically an accountant with a fancy word for a title, and we can’t be sure much else will work for you.
So there you go, Jason, all the best with your crush from the Land department. As usual, our readers might have some ideas of their own that they may care to share below.
Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor Proved Plus Probable News