Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

RED DEER, Alberta – Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta’s history.  Deep Thrust Energy, a conglomerate of consolidated junior oil companies looking for an elusive sub-crustal petroleum reservoir, hit a large pocket of magma at 8,543m.

Inmate Bruce McCrutchin, ready for the geological training program (he has the hair)
Tim Herque, Deep Thrust Manager

We don’t really know what it is.  It isn’t conventional magma, but it might be a chemical version of it.  It’s pretty hot, white in colour, and has a viscosity of about 5 API.  We really aren’t sure what it is, but it is flowing out of the well bore at quite a rate.  Flow and subsurface pressure is increasing with time, and we are monitoring surface elevations.  It is acting a lot like a pre-eruption volcano. – Tim Herque, Exploraration Manager with Deep Thrust

The project originated as a pure geological research venture to find out what exactly lies beneath our feet.  As the project gained interest, it became clear that the only ones really vested on the science of the project were geologists – not investors.

With a cost of nearly $25 Billion up front barring any incidents, it took years to get the required funding from RBC and TD Bank.  When the well spudded earlier this year, excitement was rampant in the geological and drilling communities.  Being the first well of its kind, no one knew if this project was actually feasible either.

We built a special drilling rig just for this project.  Our 1st Quad Rolii-Jack is capable of pulling 18km of drill pipe out of the hole, and moves around on the same tires as large dump trucks in Ft. McMurray.  This thing is massive.  With a crew of 19 and a hole size of 454mm, we had what we thought was the best gear for the contract.  Given that the rig would be drilling for 7 years, it was worth the build costs. – Tommy D’Phukinlyer, Precision Drilling

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The Quad Rolii-Jack under construction in Red Deer, Alberta.

The project is now garnering international attention as a pocket of superheated geological fluid was breached and is now rising to surface near the Didsbury, Alberta drilling location.  While project geologists are baffled, volcanologists are lining up for what they say could be the show of a century,

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Tyronious Macadamia Jones, P.Volc.

We think a pressure sensitive crystalline amalgam that can be radiometrically dated back to pre-Eonothermian times has been breached.  The region has swelled almost 16 inches at ground elevation in the last 3 days and it is getting bigger.  Imagine an infected ingrown hair on your face.  The hair goes deeper, the puss pocket gets bigger until BOOM!  You get gorp and puss all over the place.  Now image Didsbury popping under the immense pressure of this ruptured shmagma bubble.  Gonna be one hell of a show! – Tyronious Macadamia Jones, Volcanological Committee of Deer Feather Indiana

At the time this article was written, 2P News received an update from the project’s Project Manager that all of the snow within a 2km radius of the drill site has not only melted, but the water that it became has evaporated. Surface elevations are now 48 inches higher than before drilling operations started and the ground is covered by a web of fractures measuring up to 2″ wide.

2P News has at team of 4 reporters on site for real-time coverage of this drilling operation and we will keep you up to date with the events as they become available.

19 COMMENTS

  1. I have a long history of causing eruptions, but nothing like this. I like the name Deep Thrust Energy.

  2. I live near Didsbury and work in the oil patch and have heard nothing on the news or locally to confirm this. Nor have I seen a monster drilling rig in the area. I call BS.

    • @ Ed: Hey Ed, by chance is your last name Stelmach? Heavens to Murgatroyd!! THIS IS SATIRE. What about this article made you think it was real. This sort of news never makes the news, man. We write this stuff to lighten up moods around the patch, especially at times like these, man, with $15 oil.
      – Over-n-out, Rodecker

    • @ Tricked in Kansas: We would appreciate if you do both. Thank you very much for the kind words about our work. Please share the love on social media.

      Cheers,
      – Over-n-out, Rodecker

  3. Sometimes to smart can cause major problems for humanity
    this greed and curiosity of this magnitude can be such a event

    • @ Concerned: Although I agree with you in principle, Concerned, there was no such drilling project in Didsbury. The article does not represent reality, it’s a joke. Thanks.

    • @ Concerned: Although I agree with your comment in principle, the event to which you refer did not happen. The article is a joke, it’s satire. Thanks for commenting, however. Cheers.

  4. Kate, you need to calm down. Darcy can’t get netting down with you getting him all worked up all the time. Neither can Cynthia.

  5. Think I seen this rig yesterday between Rocky Mountain house and Alhambra store on the north side of hwy 11. It’s is massive!! Big triple if nothing else!! New drilling sand supply operation is being built north of Alhambra too, very big few million cubes of sand easy!! Herd some oil executives talking that there exploring a new untouched zone from Cochrane north to north of fox creek aswell called the dovernay zone! Oil companies are buying up cheap prospect farm land and are gonna drill horizontal wellsl to where ever they need to!! Herd there won’t be a well shorter than 3000ft is been untapped to this point!! They have drilled and are fracing the same zone by fox creek right now and measured a 4.4 earthquake on the 21st of Jan. 2015 there were reports of beds and walls shaking in fox creek alberta believed to be from well fracturing new zones! Well fracturing is the practice of using explosives and pressure to blow out side of the drilling string(pipe) to exposed the gas and liquids down hole then with pumpers and and other equipment we build enogh pressure and overcome the pressure down hole and hold the oil in the ground till it is set up to produce, otherwise the oil and gas will blow out of the ground with what ever pressure that well is at, usually 1000 if not 10’s of 1000’s of psi!! Come out like a gizer and a ball of flame if bad enogh and calculations wrong about down hole pressure could push the whole drill string out with the rig and anything else in its path with it right off the ground! As for drilling into a hot zone very possible, but unlikely because if we had magma coming to surface any well control equipment and drill pipe ext. would melt and become part of the magma cuase let’s face it this stuff isn’t meant for temperatures in the thousands of degrees!! If we got magma at surface better close up shop and evacuate the province cuase this is a new one, get ready for Mount Fuji Didsbury!!

    • @ CentralABservicetech: Hahahaha, now you’re talking. Finally, somebody who really understands that we write satire and who is willing to amp up our satire with satire of his own. Thanks.

      Great ideas, by the way.

  6. I am the Crane Operator on this project, mobilizing & demobilizing this drilling rig during moves. I have inside information as to what will be taking place in the future. The planning began back in the day when Ralph Klein was Mayor of Calgary then Premier of Alberta. The St. Louis Hotel was one of our watering holes during time off, which Ralph & his cronies would also gather over a few jugs of beer. Rig pigs & the worms & myself would often be in earshot of the conversations of what was being discussed at their table. Of course as the beer flowed voices got louder which made listening easier. Ralph being a very wise man knew that the time would come when his Province would be faced with an energy problem i.e. lack of pipelines to get the product to market, needing a new source of energy that everyone would need etc. While he was able to get rid of the deficit at the expense of hospitals, schools, roads, seniors, he knew that the day would come when the Province would go back in hole, He came up with the idea that if the drilling industry could somehow create active volcanoes strategically placed around our Provence the hell with oil he said,”We will have our very own ‘Ring of Fire’ we will produce Geothermal Energy” so here we are today after many beers & years of planning. Two wells will be drilled side by side, just deep enough to hit the hot formation, water from the watersheds of the Saskatchewan Rivers, the Peace River or any other river we have access to when we need more water will be piped within our own territory, water down one hole steam up the other, voila! Alberta has a new source of energy. No need for oil pipelines just transmission lines, we will build many power plants all around Alberta, creating less pollution, more electric vehicles on our roads. Who needs oil? The U S of A will want our cheap electricity & we can give them the one finger salute, but they’ll probably think we’re saying they’re #1. I overheard Ralph mutter “let the bastards freeze in the dark.” The next phase is to export our new product to Asia, this is still on the drawing board. Now as they say in the “Patch” this is no sh*t, kindly keep this information to yourself, I wouldn’t want it to be said that I let the cat out of the bag.

  7. Thanks for the insight Paul! I wondered what the end game might be.

    We’ll be tracking you down for a candid interview and blow the lid of this mother#@*er!

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