BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut – Well-known Trust Fund twit Rodney Warbucks claimed today that he has been the target of a “dirty tricks” effort perpetrated by a group funded by TexxonMogul Oil Co. “I have proof!” he twittered. “I’ve been targeted all because I have been lending my considerable talents to environmental causes, vegetarianism and new age graphic chandelier design.
“My tireless research revealed that TexxonMogul is secretly disposing of pickle juice left over from canning operations at several Heinz 57 and Vlasic factories in its waste disposal wells, causing sweet, sour, gherkin and dill-flavored earthquakes all over the country. I am personally sure of this because I had one of my people sneak onto a TexxonMogul facility and collect a sample from one of the tanks. Sure enough, he told me it tasted just like pickle juice. I hired a computer hacker (at considerable expense) to break into the top-secret files at the U. S. Geological Survey and he found that a 1.8 magnitude earthquake occurred only 24 miles from the tank facility and its injection wells. The tie-in is obvious.”
“I printed my findings in a full page ad in the New York Times and that’s when the dirty tricks goon squad went into action. TexxonMogul produced a doctored clip from a security camera at the tank facility and had the police charge my manservant Beasley with trespassing. I know the clip was doctored because it was Farnsworth I sent, not Beasley.
“A CalTech geophysicist, obviously in the pay of TexxonMogul, said that a 1.8 magnitude earthquake is barely detectable even by the most sensitive seismograph. Ha! Tell that to the lady who lost a valuable piece of porcelain when it fell to the kitchen floor and shattered. Her insurance company refused to pay her claim for the loss because they were pressured by TexxonMogul. She asked me for help but unfortunately I couldn’t. I have too many other battles to fight.
“I’m very disappointed that the pickle industry has chosen to participate in both the initial conspiracy and the ensuing cover-up. McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and other fast-food chains should remove pickles from their hamburgers. I have directed my broker to divest my portfolio of all pickle stocks.”
When contacted by 2P News, Mr. Warbucks refused to comment or answer any questions, claiming that 2P News is biased against environmental crusaders such as himself. However, in the background his brother, Sidney Warbucks, was heard to blurt out, “Christ, he’s off his meds again.”