Eastern Canada saved by Alberta

HALIFAX, Nova Scotia – Alberta has initiated a plan to save most of the east coast from the icy remnants of the latest winter storm. In a daring move, Canada’s federal energy regulators have authorized the cross-Canada transport of millions of gallons of produced water from Alberta’s oilfields to be used as road spray in maritime regions hit hardest by record snowfalls.

The water, a byproduct of oil and gas exploration, has a high salt and accessory mineral content and is therefore ideal for melting ice and snow on highways and secondary roads.  As an added benefit, the water is also geothermally heated, as it is sourced underground.  There is apparently enough produced water in Alberta to keep the maritimes snow and ice free for the next 10 years if they use it liberally and thoroughly.

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Jim “Preeny” Prentice, excited about helping out eastern Canada

We feel that our generosity in this matter has been understated in the media.  This produced water cost hard working Albertans a lot of money and hard work, but being the truly charitable province that we are, we can give it to the people in need out east without worrying about being compensated.  This is an act of kindness and pity, for all those poor souls buried under mountains of  ice as cold as a Wildrose heart. Who says Conservatives have to be conservative? This is as liberal a move as we can muster. – Jim Prentice, Premier of Alberta

The plan calls for an abundance of currently static transport trucks and trains cars to move all available produced water east as fast as possible.  There will of course be a reasonable cutoff for any water that has too much H2S gas in it, but the AER estimates only 5 or 6% will need to be retained in storage.

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Heavy snow in the maritimes.

The water will be kept warm by heat radiator systems pulling heat from the engine of each transport vehicle to minimize the cooling effect of the air while the saviour fluid rushes down the highways to rescue eastern residents.

There is undoubtedly environmental opposition to the proposal, as this fluid may be contaminated by petroleum, chemicals, sour gas, or miscellaneous fracking fluids.

Green Peace representative Maary Magdolenolium claims the damage from using this fluid will greatly outweigh the benefits.

Maary M.  Angry with Harper.  Again.
Maary M. Angry with Harper. Again.

We just can’t spray this garbage all over eastern Canada, no matter how much it will help melt winter’s heart.  It will kill grass, plants, flowers, trees, plants, flowers, and even more trees and grass!  What about all the little animals that get sprayed by accident?  Are they just supposed to wash it off and get un-salted?  This is a bad idea, and Mother Earth will not forgive Harper for this. – Ms. Magdolenolium, Green Peace

In rebuttal to opposition comments, Alberta Transportation and Water Shipment Minister Aliberuu Debovaneem suggested the benefits would be far larger than simply melting ice.

Alberta Transportation and Water Shipment Minister Aliberuu Debovaneem
Aliberuu Debovaneem

We would suggest that any left over petroleum in the water would be a great rejuvenation treatment for aging asphalt roads.  And the water is salty, and came from the Earth, so when it runs off back into the ocean it will just be returning to the source right?  And what about the reduction in air pollution by killing the grass in boulevards and ditches?  No mower gas burning smoking lawnmowers or tractors for at least 3 to 4 years.  This is all win-win.  Not to mention the thousands of trucking and spraying jobs this will create for all Canadians.

 

Shipments of the produced water will commence March 8th, and continue through the end of April as tanks and storage facilities in Alberta are emptied.  2P News will follow up on the success of the project at a later date.