ALAMEDA, Saskatchewan – Evidence of the Easter Bunny’s burrow or warren has halted several drilling programs in southeast Saskatchewan. It seems that several fresh burrows were discovered last week, most of them filled with chocolate eggs.
After calling in the find to their managers in Calgary, and filing reports with the province, drilling personnel were ordered shut down by the Saskatchewan Energy Board while an environmental and habit impact study is performed.
We do not want to in any way shape or form inhibit the Easter Bunny’s habits or habitat. That could be disastrous for the entire world. So if this is indeed his home territory, we will adjust all drilling approvals to accommodate his well being. – Jory Haggaban, Saskatchewan Environmental and Wildlife Supervisor
There are currently 3 major operators drilling in the area, and 2 of them are heavily invested in a small but particularly lucrative reservoir, inconveniently located within the study’s immediate area. Anydartgo Energy and Despondent Resources are each working up a multi-leg lateral program that will require thermal induction and gas injection to maximize oil recovery. If the area gets shut down to save the Easter Bunny, they will lose millions.
I say shoot the lil’ bastard. This is a target we cannot afford to leave in the ground. Our mission in this business does not end until every last drop of black gold is in the motor of a car or turned into a cheap Happy Meal Toy. That damn bunny never left me anything other than that crappy, bland, cardboard tasting North Korean chocolate anyways. I’m not about to throw in the towel on a $200 million project to save some rabid jack rabbit with a sweet tooth. I’ll even hire the hunters! – Jim Jack, VP Operations at Anydartgo
Strong support for the drilling ban comes from members of PETA and The Sierra Club, and both applaud the government’s willingness to stop activity while the elusive rabbit’s lair is researched. They have even gone so far as to offer their own scientists and ecologists to help with the study and ensure nothing is missed.
We have tabled numerous professionals from our group, especially Dr. Mathyn. He has studied the Easter Bunny exclusively for years, he even wrote his Ph.D. on the little guy. Thomas Mathyn can identify and prove whether or not this is the Easter Bunny’s base of operations. If it is, all oil and gas activity should be stopped indefinitely and the area cordoned off into a sanctuary from all human traffic. We won’t stop until the Easter Bunny is safe. – Kip Oceanmoon, PETA Regina
13 drilling rigs have been shut down for the study, but also prevented from moving to other locations until after the long weekend, as any activity may hinder the Easter Bunny’s ability to deliver fattening treats to all the malnourished boys and girls of North America.
Rig crews and field services have been allowed to leave on foot, but most of their belongings and gear remain at the sites until the all clear is given from the provincial regulator and the committee of consultants managing the study.