CALGARY, Alberta – EnKarma Corporation this morning announced the results of a workplace social experiment that it piloted 6 months ago. After years and years of complaints from staff company-wide about the pitfalls of working with or even seeing engineering staff throughout its downtown office space, the 3500-person outfit decided to dedicate 2 floors of its Beau Building to accommodate only engineers. Miss Scarlett Kurlies, EnKarma’s VP of Human Resources and Office Services elaborates.
Our department had racked up literally tens of thousands of complaints over the last 5 years alone, since we started specifically monitoring engineers and their peculiar behavior. Many of the complaints filed were ones related to engineers saying, “MOVE ASIDE, I am an engineer,” around printers, coffee machines, projectors, and bathrooms – just a common annoyance. In a few situations, this led to fights and even significant reprimands. So we figured if we put them all on the same floor, with access limited only to those who don the special “Ring of Ultimate Power and Supreme Intelligence” *idiots*, then they would either annoy each other or get along very well. We were lucky to see both results in equal measure. – Scarlett Kurlies
Despite efforts by the Provincial Government to compensate those who have to work with engineers, and from a company that devised a special wearable device to keep engineers at bay, Enkarma spent over $67M renovating the 23rd and 42nd floor of its building for the engineers. According to Miss Curlies, the office space was retrofitted to include the following new features:
Sound proof floors, walls, and glass to keep the “engineering noise” contained to within offices and certainly between floors.
- A number of padded “Chill Out” rooms equipped with straight jackets for the times when engineers freak out and need to be settled down in the safe manner – an all too common occurrence in the Oil and Gas industry.
- 6 full-time, permanent staff psychologists specially trained to deal with engineering personalities.
- A special elevator that only goes to floors 23 and 42,and can only be activated by an Iron Ring.
- The ceiling of each floor has a floor-wide viewing pane to the overlying office space. That way, geologists can continue to look down on engineers and feel good about themselves.
- Caffeine of any source or type will be banned and controlled by specially trained K-9 units on each floor. No one wants engineers wound up more than they already are.
- Bathrooms will have variable height urinals for both men and women. EnKarma discovered female engineers pee standing up just like their male counterparts.
- All appliances on each Engineering floor are custom made, ultra low voltage units so staff will avoid critical injuries while disassembling them over lunch.
- All windows on the interior of each floor are coated with Teflon(tm) so that boogers won’t stick, making cleaning easier for janitorial staff.
After the 6 month pilot, the results of a survey conducted by EnKarma’s HR department show a significant improvement in the company’s overall morale. The mental health of non-engineering staff also improved 6-fold. Janey Tookalu, a senior Joint Venture analyst representative, speaks the to the improvements.
I used to sit in a cube farm completely surrounded by engineers, and now… there are none. It’s great! I sleep at night like a baby, my heart rate has dropped by 40%, and I’m just overall a much happier person. It’s absolutely incredible how much of a negative impact engineers had on the general well being of non-engineering staff. It makes no sense, but the proof is in the pudding. – Janey Krazulofter, geologist-in-training
With the success of the pilot, EnKarma plans to have its Beau Building co-tenant, Bendovus Energy, give it a try.
When asked about implementing a similar plan in his 4200-person company, Bendovus Energy CEO remarked, “Engineers? We still employ those types?! I figured the stuff that came out of engineering was performed by cognitively challenged monkeys who had far too much to drink.”