CALGARY, Alberta – With recent news that Premier Notley and her cabinet were receiving salary bumps in troubled times, we here at 2P News felt it was our journalistic and ethical duty to also shine a light on our own industry. It is widely known that executives in other industries get perks and benefits far exceeding normal compensation, but in oil and gas it gets really ridiculous.
We have managed to secure a list of benefits that senior management of Bendovus Energy are currently receiving. If you don’t throw up a little bit, you’re not normal, and we recommend you seek professional help immediately. Run. Don’t walk.
The list of crazy and ludicrous benefits is as follows:
- Four parking stalls. That’s right. Four.
- “One use washrooms” that are not only cleaned, but renovated by a team of carpenters after each use.
- New office chair every Monday to avoid butt grooves and other uncomfortable scenarios.
- New coffee machines, keyboards, and mice for computers every morning to avoid germs and virus transmission.
- Full, 100% health benefits that extend to all family members who can provide a positive DNA relation test.
- In the event of being down-sized, all executives will be given greeter positions at 80% current salary for 24 months. If re-hired at that point they will be re-imbursed the remaining 20% for the 24 month period. If not rehired, they will be given the 20% as a severance, for the last 24 months.
Executive desks have a special ‘lockup’ feature. If any executive decides for any reason that one of his technical staff is not performing, they can chain them to the front of their desk until they feel confident in their abilities again.
- Lunches are to be served every day in accordance to the wishes of the executives. Each executive has access to his or her own chef and private kitchen in the basement of the Bow building.
- If executives decide to not take advantage of any of their free parking, they can choose instead a private C-Train car finished in the style of their choosing.
- Executives at Bendovus have the freedom to chose their own salary and bonus rates, which are then evaluated by their executive peers. Bonuses are awarded based on cleanliness and style throughout the work year, and the ability to convince others at Bankers Hall fitness centre that they are important.
“When we got a list and start choosing the ten we thought were the most ridiculous, it was tough. We had to sift through pages of dumb shit just to get this list ironed out. We almost drank the pub dry it took so long, pretty sure Antoine fell out of his chair and got a black eye. These idiots get this kind of reward for doing nothing but yes-sir, no-sir, I-don’t-know-sir. Stupid.” – Darcy Flowman, 2P News co-founder