CEO Plans Exorcism for Technical Staff

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – The oil and gas business is risky, there’s no question about that. Much more often than not, very expensive wells are drilled that bring in underground oceans, and many other wells produce nothing but dust – this, of course, the fault of clueless geologists picking terrible locations (Editor’s note: Ahem… Darcy: 1, Antoine: 0). Engineers are no better, they tend to under-engineer pipelines and facilities that leak, explode, or both, causing significant harm to people and the environment.

Engineering and geology aside, all technical staff in some way or another make mistakes that cost the industry billions of dollars every year. For decades, management has been looking for ways to mitigate the impacts of technical mistakes, but to no avail – until now.

Damien Karras, CEO of Perdition Exploration Co. of N. Seine, BC has asked a priest to perform an exorcism on his technical staff.  When contacted by 2P News, Mr. Karras explained, “Those bozos have drilled ten straight dry holes.  They’re either possessed or massively stupid.  The purpose of the exorcism is to eliminate one of the possibilities.”

Father Lankester Merrin agreed to perform the ritual for a quite generous fee.

Father Merrin

Mr. Karras asked for a group rate, but that’s not how I work.  Each individual has his own demons and has to be dealt with accordingly.  And I expect there to be a lotof demons.  It’s the oil and gas industry, right?  When I get through with this bunch I ought to be able to retire. – Father Merrin

When asked to describe the ritual, Fr. Merrin continued,

You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out.  You put your right foot in and you shake it all about.  You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.  That’s what it’s all about.

He went on to say that what you see in movie exorcisms is a bunch of malarkey.  “All that mayhem is strictly for shock value.  What I actually do is far more gruesome, but it’s a lot of fun for me.  For the subjects, not so much.”

Regan Pazuzu, Chief Geologist at Perdition, exclaimed, “Wait a minute.  I thought he wanted to exercise us, not exorcise.” 

His head then did a 360° spin and turned chalky white.

Contacted for his reaction to these events, Beelzebub boasted, “Let that dorky priest take his best shot.  My boys are tougher than lizard jerky.”

Regan Pazuzu, Chief Geologist during his exorcism
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Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over forty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the petroleum industry from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.


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