Five Things Everyone Should Know About Oil & Gas Executives

Executive inspiring his staff

In previous 2PNews articles we have shared with our readers the five things you should know about engineers and geologists. Today we turn our attention to our beloved oil and gas executives, those paragons of virtue and wisdom who lead what’s left of us to greater glory.

Executives do not drink blood – Well, they used to, but with the spread of blood-borne pathogens such as HIV this practice has faded away. Their blood-sucking is now figurative rather than literal.

A CEO’s compensation is about 50 times more than yours – The real meaning of this is that when times get tough a CEO will fire 50 people to make sure he still gets his full compensation.  Then he will fire another 100 people, call it cost-cutting, and give himself a bonus for being so mindful of the shareholders.

An executive can’t see past the current quarter – Remember how they whined about not being able to find experienced personnel during the boom? These are the same people who fired hundreds (if not thousands) of geologists and engineers just a few years earlier. 

An executive with an MBA degree is the most clueless – An MBA will think that stuff like Monte Carlo simulations (formalized guessing), decision trees and “business models” will find oil.  It won’t.  However, this is the sort of bullshit the bankers like to hear because it sounds like the things companies in other industries tell them.

Someone who’s been an executive for more than 10 years is automatically an asshat This is because they’ve completely forgotten about life in the trenches and how much work it takes to come up with a viable project.  Also, they’re convinced that they are way, way smarter than you.  This leads to impossible demands and a complete disconnect with reality.

Bonus extra thing:

Executives don’t wait in airports – Persons anointed by God to be an executive don’t waste their time in airports.  Instead they are delivered directly to the door of the private jet.  Meanwhile, your flight has been cancelled or you’re seated between two elephants.

There you have it, just a few of the many things you should know about the people in charge of your destiny.  Unfortunately, knowing about them won’t change anything.  Furthermore, just thinking about it will just piss you off even more.  Calm down.  With Obama (soon to be Clinton) and Trudeau you will soon have plenty of other things to worry about.

Anywhere in South Texas, Williston Basin, Northern Alberta or a dozen other place.
Anywhere in South Texas, Williston Basin, Northern Alberta or a dozen other place.

 

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Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over forty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the petroleum industry from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.

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