Former Texas Governor Rags on Alberta Cuisine

Stampede Chili Cook-off for Kids

CALGARY, Alberta – Still trying to resuscitate his doomed quest for the 2016 Republican nomination for U. S. president, former Texas Governor and Demagogue Prick Perry made a brief visit to Calgary in a blantant attempt to add to his “international” credentials. In honor of his visit (and only because protocol demanded), Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi hosted a luncheon with one of the dishes being the prize-winning chili recipe from the 2015 Calgary Stampede.

Every year ATCO Blue Flame Kitchen sponsors a chili contest for members of the Boys and Girls Clubs of Calgary and the most recent winner, a 12-year old girl from Strathmore, was asked to prepare a batch for the luncheon.

Prick Perry Addressing the Texas Legislature
Prick Perry Addressing the Texas Legislature

Mr. Perry thought the chili was salad dressing and poured it all over his lettuce. Compounding his gaffe, he then proceeded to tell Mayor Nenshi that the salad dressing (chili) needed more of everything, especially taste. He added, “I wouldn’t feed this stuff to a starving coyote.”  The child then burst into tears, further cementing Mr. Perry’s reputation as the biggest political moron to come out of Texas since…forever.  Fortunately, the ex-governor left Calgary immediately thereafter, avoiding a confrontation with an angry mob.

As a public service and to serve as a warning, 2P News compiled a comparison of standard recipes for making enough chili for six servings as published by Texas Monthlies magazine and the Edmonton Herald-Defamer newspaper.  A footnote for the Texas recipe is included verbatim from the magazine.

 

 Texas                                                 Alberta

Meat:                         Rattlesnake, Coyote,                             Beef Chuck

                                 Possum, Armadillo

Quantity                     Whatever you got                                  1 kg, cubed

Onion                         Sonoran Widowmaker                            Celery instead

Chili Powder                Fuego del Diablo                                   Lawry’s Extra Mild

Other Spices               C3H5(NO3)3                                                 Pinch of salt

Jalapeños                   42*                                                       None

Plutonium                   7 Grams*                                              None

Beans                         Ain’t no beans in chili                             Big fat gassy ones

 

* Always maintain a 6 to 1 ratio of jalapeños to grams of plutonium. Note: there’s a lot of cheap, coarse Russian plutonium available now but stick to domestic. It’s purer and milled much finer. The commie stuff has thorium in it that leaves a bitter aftertaste.

 

Aftermath of Texas Chili
Aftermath of Texas Chili

As the reader can easily ascertain, there is quite a contrast in the two styles. Your humble correspondent draws no conclusion from this contrast but rather a sense of simultaneous disgust and amazement.  Asserting one’s manliness with hyper-spiced food makes as much sense as hitting oneself on the head repeatedly with a pickaxe because it feels good when you stop.  However, it also makes no sense eating something with the taste equivalence of raw tofu, although we English have raised this to an art form.

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Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over forty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the petroleum industry from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.

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