Fracking causes environmental damage in alternate universes: CERN

GENOA, Switzerland – Fractivists and environmentalists across the planet are celebrating news released by CERN today suggesting that fracking oil and gas wells on planet earth is causing damage in at least 3 of the infinite number of alternate universes defined by M-Theory.

The groups, who applaud the research and its findings, believe that the study validates their staunch beliefs that fracking is much worse than anybody could have possibly imagined.

CERN’s director of Technical Operations describes the work.

Seit unserem Labor erlebt eine ziemliche Sauerei von Invert-Bohrspülungen im vergangenen Jahr nach einem gescheiterten Bohrvorgang in Arkansas, haben wir die Untersuchung der möglichen Auswirkungen des Öl-und Gasgeschäft in abgelegenen Orten. Eine unserer Haupt Wissenschaftler führten Experimente mit einem realen Leben Fracking Einrichten der Maschine in der Nähe von unserem Labor, und er war in der Lage, Fracking Ereignisse mit dem geheimnisvollen Verschwinden der Higgs-Bosons in der Nähe des Bohrlochs und Störungen, um Elektronen in der HADRON Teilchenbeschleuniger korrelieren

ikea guy
Dr. Ingvar Ikea, Director

[Ever since our laboratory experienced quite a mess of invert drilling fluids last year after a failed drilling operation in Arkansas, we have been studying the possible impacts of oil and gas operations in remote places. One of our chief scientists conducted experiments with a real-life fracking machine setup near our lab, and he was able to correlate fracking events with the mysterious disappearance of Higgs Bosons near the wellbore and disturbances to electrons in the HADRON particle accelerator.] – Dr. Ingvar Ikea, Director

According to Dr. Ikea, the Higgs disturbances cause under-damped oscillatory macro fluctuations in the String Theory membranes causing them to collide intra-sub-masculatilty.  This results in multiple catastrophic explosions in alternate universes back through quantum time during the inflationary Ceziut period following the Big Bang. This is all made possible thanks to granulametric wormholes generated by high volume fracking operations.  These operations are assumed to form tears in the dinatural space-time continuum.

I just knew it! Fracking is far, far worse than we ever could have imagined – it damages things on an intergalactic scale. How are the oil and gas companies going to play off this accusation, because it is science, and it is from Switzerland. – Hugh E. Cahones,

New Mexico Incident 547-K.  Photo taken by UFO Chasers Buck Gormly
New Mexico Incident 547-K. Photo taken by UFO Chasers Buck Gormly

Incidents have been reported in the past, but until now no agency or facility of higher learning has been able to link causality to fracking.  An incident in New Mexico last November, dubbed Incident 547-K by the EPA, has now proved to be the case study for further research.

Much of the damage was caused when a stream of Palin Particles was disrupted by a nearby fracture completion, resulting in an explosion, followed by no evidence at all of the rig, or the Particle Lab, or any of the nearby cows.  A team from CERN is also actively studying this incident.

A number of factors need to be considered before we assume that each fracture completion causes a damn Stargate!  Even if it happened once, what are the odds it would happen again?  And if it does, how are we liable for damage to another Universe?  Are you shittin’ me?! We are barely responsible for damage to the next county!  Hahaha….oh, crap, can we delete that last part? – Chuck Fillmorgan, COO Biggdollar Energy

3 COMMENTS

    • You’re welcome, Gaggler. (Wait, is this Jennifer Y. I used to date in high school? Are you a redheaded bombshell who replies to “Fire Box?” If so, PM me and let’s do coffee.)