The Bottom Line
A new-age retro-skitzoid Ninja movie has all the glitz of Al Gore’s underwear drawer, and costs nearly twice as much.
Dolph Lundgren, Mark Walberg, Dennis Miller, and Justin Bieber
A Serbian geologist working in North America decides to stop the endless destruction of nature. He moves to Japan to train as a ninja before returning to America where he will fight for Mother Nature. Frindella’s first, and probably last film. Ever.
Jique Frindella has no credentials to speak of. Not one. According to LinkedIn, he says he worked at a 7-11 for a while before becoming a manager at a Calgary Wal-Mart. His foray into the movie business started when his brother, an engineer with Bendovus Energy, was explaining how things in the oil business weren’t all bad. He told Jique that there were meaningful things going on to prevent environmental damage. Jique apparently heard enough of the bullshit, wrote a small story in his scribbler, and bought a movie camera so he could film his startling debut. A star struck cast is an oddity for such a new film maker to recruit, but 2P News has discovered the movie was heavily favoured by Green Peace and The Sierra Club, which undoubtedly sponsored this bag of shit.
The movie starts out on a typical rig in Pennsylvania, drilling as they do in America’s most prolific gas field. Branko Jen, played by Dolph Lundgren is the drilling rig’s geologist and the film’s main character. Dolph does little to make this character real to the audience, with snorts and grunts dominating most of his performance. It is obvious to see how pained he is however, and this goes to the main plot of the story. Branko gets fed up with the mess the drilling and PNG industry makes in such beautiful wilderness, and decides to take a stand. With some help from his coworkers on the rig (Clive, played by Mark Walberg, Junior played by Bieber, and Kevin, an engineer played by Miller) they move to Japan for a non-stop action montage of Ninja training. Most of the shots were poorly composed and too dark to really see anything, but this 34 minutes of the movie is a great time to get get a drink, take a piss, or kill yourself.
Upon returning to America, these four deliciously soft-headed characters take on frac truck after frac truck of conspicuously well trained truck drivers. With special ninja moves dedicated to each character’s profession, it only gets better. Branko’s Tectonic Punch has the enemy reeling into more than a few pieces each time he hits one, while Junior’s Tiny Mouse movie distracts the bad guys long enough for Kevin’s Cement Squeeze to annihilate any standing opponents.
It took me a long time to realize that my move was actually cool. It seems a little shy and almost like hiding, but it works great. The bad guys are staring at me while Dolph or Miller get to walk in and bash them. It’s a role I felt was tailored to my first acting gig, and really suited my personality and lifestyle. – Justin Bieber during the last week of filming.
As the main star of the movie, Dolph Lundgren had the stature to play a tough, hard-as-nails geologist with a European background. He does do a good job in the movie physically, but he needs to learn to enunciate a bit more, and not just moan and grunt while punching people around the set. Add to that disastrous performance by Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg has no lines in the movie whatsoever. Mark Walhberg was reportedly doing this movie for free, just to be in something with Bieber. Thus he has no lines, no real acting to do, and no anything. Nada. He is visually in about 10 scenes, standing still, occasionally nodding, and that’s it. Wow. Biebs, you got it made now brother!
Even considering the $34,000,000 budget and 37 week shoot time, this movie seriously blows.
Proved Plus Probable Weekly News gives this movie 0 out of 5 stars.