NDP to offer Canadian geologists full pension to retire

OTTAWA, Ontario – Early this morning, at a small video press conference with Premier Notley, the federal and Alberta provincial leaders were proposing ideas on how to get their way with oil and gas, the oilsands, and pipelines.  One such idea seemed to get the attention of everyone present, which of course peaked Tom’s enthusiasm.

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Thomas Mulscared, Federal NDP Leader

“We will offer every petroleum geologist in Canada a 90% pension based on their current salary for the remainder of their natural lives.  All they have to do is retire before December 31, 2015.  If we can convince these individuals to stop finding and developing all this dirty the oil we have in Canada, we solve the problem.  No oil company can continue without geologists.” – Thomas Mulclair, Federal NDP leader

The plan has no real details of course, but the fact of the matter is he has a point.  If the NDP get elected to power in Ottawa, they can arrange to offer every Canadian geologist an immediate retirement package and essentially end oil and gas in this country.  Of course there is more to it, they also have to shut down all petroleum oriented geological programs at colleges and universities.

When asked about any details, Candi Sporker had this to say.

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Candi Sporker

“We don’t have a program put together yet, but we know from initial responses that it would succeed.  Small details like future geologists going to work or currently retired geologists going back to work will just be dealt with one at a time.  We could even staff the Geological Pension Ministry with engineers.  That would simply confuse and frustrate the geologists to the point they’d stop pestering us.” – Candi Sporker, spokeswoman for the NDP

When word of the plan hit the Stephen Avenue coffee shops this morning, the looks of pure envy and panic were too much for 2P News staff to totally comprehend.  It seems that everyone has a different opinion on it from envy, to anger, to confusion, and even sadness.

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Jillian Chay, upset Landwoman

“Why don’t they get me to retire?  I do all the land deals and setup all the contracts?  It’s not fair.  NOT FAIR!  And who am I going to go for coffee with?  The engineers actually work most of the time, and the managers are sleeping.  The geologists were the only people I could get out for coffee without more than 3 or 4 times a day.  Now I’ll have to go by myself.”  – Jillian Chay, Land-Person, Finite Resources

While this new and somewhat controversial plan will undoubtedly make headline news in the following weeks and leading up to this fall’s federal election, 2P News will report the news on the ground and in the offices as this unfolds.

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