Glenmore reservoir pollution study approved

CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary is a city that prides itself on cleanliness, beautiful green space, and environmental stewardship.  This makes it hard to believe what has transpired over the past weekend behind closed-door meetings at City Hall.  The city council has voted, without a public announcement, to allow crude oil to be dumped into the Glenmore Reservoir.

Toutchy Feally & her favourite tree, "Tree"
Toutchy Feally & her favourite tree, “Tree”

This travesty has shocked everyone I can think of, and we have no idea who had the idea or why, or how much money was involved.  It just doesn’t make sense!  Who thinks that dumping crude for some stupid experiment is a good idea, or ever could be?

I might start dumping my weekly feces on Mayor Nenshi’s lawn if they go ahead with this!  They are seriously going to ruin everything by dumping that toxic sludge into our beautiful reservoir. – Toutchy Feally, Greenpeace Calgary

The subversive document outlining the plan is available, but only if you know where to look or how to ask.  It is public domain, but even the sly reporters here at 2P News had a hard time getting the information.  It seems the city is trying to keep the decision quiet, but there can be no doubt of a public revolt when the crude tankers start dumping McMurray crude into the waters.

A document received by 2P News outlines a massive science project to test the environmental effects of the crude oil on pristine environments such as the Glenmore Reservoir.  The oil distributions will increase in volume while a group of scientists from Bendovus Energy and Enkarma Corp. study the effects on flora and fauna in and around the reservoir’s sensitive ecosystems.

Shoor Tupolute, South African environmental expert with Bendovus
Shoor Tupolute, South African environmental expert with Bendovus

We proposed this plan to the city, along with a sizeable donation, in hopes we can figure out how to mitigate the effects of oil spills in other regions.  With this body of water, we can start with a fresh, pristine environment and gauge response as toxicity increases, giving us a perfect benchmark for other areas.

We want to study the depth, spread, toxicity, response of animals, response of humans, etc.  Every factor can be measured in this closed system, not like anywhere else we see a spill. – Shoor Tupolute, EC. Bs, GSa, M.Sc.ECO

The plan will begin August 1st, 2014, and the boat launch at the Glenmore Aquatic Club has been the first designated dump site.  Trucks will be leaving oilfield stations the week before hand and be ready to dump on schedule so that the study goes as planned.

Apparently, timing of this experiment is of utmost importance, and if the frequency of oil delivery is not to within a 3-minute tolerance, or if trucks dump too quickly or too slowly, the study will be for not and the reservoir damaged for no good reason at all.