CALGARY, Alberta – In a spectacular investigative reporting coup, 2P News has learned that Bendovus Energy of Calgary has struck a deal with the legendary monster Godzilla to destroy rival oil company operations throughout the world.
Bendovus PR flack Peter Foursken admitted the scheme when confronted with incontrovertible proof by your intrepid correspondent. He sniveled, “It’s a win-win for both of us. The above-ground atomic and hydrogen bomb tests that first woke up Godzilla ceased many decades ago. He hasn’t had a decent meal of radioactive material since then and he’s running way low. I mean, his fire breath could barely kindle paper anymore.
“We’re collecting spent fuel rods and other waste from nuclear power plants and providing it to Godzilla like a smorgasbord of the nastiest materials ever created by man. We’ve even included some weapons-grade plutonium we bought from the Russians. He was all over that like stink on shit. Jesus, he gulped it down like ice cream. So, hey, we’re also performing a public service by getting rid of that stuff.”
Mr. Foursken went on to say, “Now let me be clear about our intentions. We don’t really want Godzilla to stomp the crap out of TexxonMogul, Regal Douche Shill, ComicalPhilistine or even Cheaterson. We just want them to quietly fold their tents and get the hell out of our way when we say so. Sell out cheap, then nobody gets hurt.”
When contacted by 2P News for a response, Mr. Max Avarice, chairman and CEO of TexxonMogul, replied,
“That asshat Dèng (Bendovus CEO) better pucker up because we got wind of what he was doing and we’ve recruited Mothra, Rodan, Barugon, Gaos, Gamera and even King Gidorah. If Godzilla attacks any of our facilities, our guys will come in and kick his ass. Gamera’s fire breath is stronger, Barugon can pin him down, Mothra can wrap him up in a cocoon, all three of Gidorah’s heads will fry him with electronic rays, and so forth. Heck, we’ll even rebuild Mecha-Godzilla if we have to. He can’t win.” – Mr. Avarice, CEO TexxonMogul
The potential for world-wide mayhem is self-evident. Canadian authorities have approached Mr. Dèng and appealed to his sense of decency. Since he has none, the authorities then threatened to strip him of his Canadian citizenship and deport him back to his native Poontang Province in China. He reminded the authorities that Godzilla knows the way to Toronto. An impasse was reached and 2P News will report its resolution as it becomes available.