Global warming shown to increase with fracking: Study

CALGARY, Albertaville – A study published this morning in the Journal of Studies on Global Warming definitively proves that hydraulic fracturing in some areas can be directly and quantitatively linked to global warming.

The study, authored by 2 professors and a number of graduate students at Calgary-based Centre for Understanding New Technology, acutely monitored atmospheric temperatures and pressures over the course of 24 months in areas where fracturing activity was limited to wells shallower than 500′. The study’s lead author explains the connection at a press conference this morning.

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Dr. Andy Bougbatten

You see, in areas where shallower wells are fracked, it is very possible, and indeed likely, that at the frac pressure exceeds the overburden pressure. In these cases the earth’s surface actually lifts a little bit, and in doing so, brings that part of the Earth closer to the sun for a short period of time, thereby creating a warmer micro-local temporal environment.

To quantify this effect, our numbers showed that 0.0007398287 inches of overburden lift from fracking created 0.00000006782534 inches of atmospheric lift, which resulted in a 0.0768 degree F increase in temperature per 1 billion cubic feet of air per 0.024seconds of lift. The numbers don’t lie.

The entire research team would like to thank our sponsors for making this study possible and of course we couldn’t have done it without C.U.N.T. – Dr. Andy Bougbatten, study’s lead author

Schematic showing how the earth moves closer to the Sun after a shallow well fracking operation. (L) Pre-frack, and (R) Post-frack. Note: The effect has been significantly exaggerated for illustrative purposes.
Schematic showing how the earth moves closer to the Sun after a shallow well fracking operation. (L) Pre-frack, and (R) Post-frack. Note: The effect has been significantly exaggerated for illustrative purposes.

In light of the study’s findings, the Federal Energy and Environmental Commission is looking to mandate that all hydraulic fracturing operations, not just those in shallower zones, be performed between sunset and sunrise across the entire United States of America. All of this, in an attempt to reduce the oil and gas industry’s impact on global warming.

2P News recently learned that the FEEC’s proposed mandate is being refuted by a number of groups including environmental interests. A number of environmental professionals from the Pembina Cardium Institute claim that fracking at nighttime will only postpone the frac-induced global warming by at most 12 hours, depending on the season and the amount of existential soil frost already present. “There is absolutely no point to this plan. What are these guys smoking?!” – Jane McJanet, spokeswoman for Pembina Cardium.

When asked about the proposed mandate, that is currently before Senate, David Obama, President and CEO of NightFrac Oilfield Services, and the following to say,

We feel that there is a strong disconnect between what GreenPeace thinks and what actually happens.  If we can help even a little bit with our specialized EFC (Evening Fracture Completion), we will do whatever we can.  If that means that our extremely technical procedures for night fracking are needed around the globe, we will of course ensure we expand to cater to the world’s needs.

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The Honorable Antoine McGuilicuddy is a 2P News co-founder. Studying geology was just the tip of the iceberg for this iconic oil and gas dynamo. Frustrated with the idiocy and general stupidity of most of his peers, he transitioned into 2P with smile, and hasn't looked back since.

3 COMMENTS

  1. When I’m nude sunbathing out on my patio (to get a nice even tan) should I reduce my exposure time if there’s fracking going on nearby?

  2. Wow Antoine! You should have consulted an engineer on this one! By this logic the top of Everest would be the hottest place on earth!

  3. @Kate: Yes, don’t sunbathe while there’s fracking going on nearby – not a good idea. Repeat after me: “Frack Ban, Good to Tan! Frack Ban, Good to Tan!” – rinse and repeat.

    @Phil: No, no, no, no! Don’t forget that there’s an inverse proportional relationship between elevation and temperature near large objects such as mountains. It has to do with Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity and the fact that the spacetime fabric is curved so much near Mount Everest to the point that temperature particles (Temporons) traveling along their shortest path on the 4-dimensional continuum (along a geodesic) are gravitationally “pulled” downwards towards the centre of the mountain which in-turn drags the ambient temperature down with them. Like duh! Take some physics classes, man.

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