OTTAWA, Ontario – Breaking news from the nation’s capital. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is in an Ottawa-area medical centre recovering from a minor head injury that he sustained in an accident in yesterday’s Parliament session in the House of Commons.
Mr. Harper, while standing up and screaming at NDP opposition leader Thomas Mulcair about the Northern Gateway pipeline approval, was knocked to the ground by a 3lb concrete ceiling tile that fell from the 75′ ceiling in the House.
On-site medics rushed to the scene to to find an unconscious Stephen Harper surrounded by political onlookers who weren’t helping. During a cranial inspection, the medics parted Mr. Harper’s hair to find what appeared to be a black marking of some sort. After further inspection at the request of Mr. Mulcair and Mr. Trudeau, the marking was identified as a tattoo.
HE IS THE DEVIL! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG AND HERE’S THE PROOF!” shouted a barely coherent Mr. Mulcair.
AND THAT’S WHY HE NEVER CUTS HIS DAMN HAIR! added Mr. Trudeau.
When privately interviewed by 2P News reporter Yu Mii, Mr. Harper’s personal aide admitted knowing about the tattoo, which he had discovered by accident while dewaxing the Prime Minister’s ears last year. He told Yu Mii in the confidential interview that Stephen told him that the tattoo was a treasure map that leads to a hidden stash of top secret government documents and backup Conservative Party campaign funds.
Unfortunately for Mr. Harper’s aide, Yu Mii released details of the interview to the general public under the Freedom of Access to Confidential Information Act, and when opposition leaders caught wind of it, they demanded that the Prime Minister shave his head and reveal the map.
You have got to be kidding me?! A map?! On Harper’s head… that leads to a trove of political treasures?! That map belongs to the people of Canada and we are all entitled to see it.
If he doesn’t volunteer to reveal the tattoo, Mr. Trudeau and I will hold him down and shave that hockey-helmet hair of his ourselves, snap a photo of it, and Tweet it to our collective 21 followers. – Leroy Furstuud, Rhino Party
Mr. Harper did not return any phone calls from 2P News reporters to comment on the contentious issue. But a representative from his Ottawa-based office has told reporters that the Prime Minister has no plans to cut, or even part, his hair to satisfy the interests of the opposition.