Hollywood to US Oil producers: “Just stop already!”

HOLLYWOOD, California – A growing contingent from the Hollywood Blockbuster Superstars Union has recently banded together to help spread the message to oil producers that curtailing oil production is important for the American economy. The group’s claim is that what is good for the American economy is good for the American people, and what is good for the American people is to watch as many Hollywood movies and television shows as humanly possible (through video on demand, VHS rentals, and by visiting the cinema).

Having heard on the quickly-trending Twitter hashtag #IfAmericanOilCompaniesKeepProducingOilHollywoodMovieRevenuesWillDrop, the founder of this movement, Bruce McKutchleon, admits that he doesn’t really know why it’s such a problem if American companies continue to drill and produce oil and record paces. But he does know that everybody is concerned about it, and that it would be excellent for his union’s public relations to jump on the bandwagon and appear concerned.

Jellie Donought.  Serious.
Bruce McKutchleon, HBSU

The HBSU represents some of the biggest and brightest characters in the world, and we want to make sure that policy makers across the US are well aware of what’s going on with oil and gas nowadays. The gasoline that is being pumped out of the ground has nowhere to go, but into big storage tanks, because people aren’t driving big enough vehicles to align demand with supply. And as long motor oil continues to sit on the shelves at Pep Boys and Auto Zone, oil will continue to sell at under $50 per container – it’s that simple. This must stop, and we are prepared to spread the word through our members. – Bruce McKutchleon, HBSU representative

2P News sent entertainment correspondent Cynthia Redbush to the streets of Hollywood to interview some of the HBSU members to get their thoughts first-hand to America’s oil delima.

Bill Lumbergh
Bill Lumbergh

Umm.. yeah. To the oil executives out there,… umm… I’m gonna need you to turn off some of your wells by tomorrow… yeah…. ummm… and if you can do some of that the next day too… yeah… If you could just go ahead and do that… umm… THAT’D BE GREAT!  – Bill Lumbergh

She then bumped into, Steven Seagal at an East LA speakeasy.

To the CEO of TexxonMogul, who’s drilling all those wells… yeah, I’m talkin’ to you!! Just because you’re the kinda guy who’d drink a gallon of gasoline just so you can piss on my campfire, I don’t care. You have 5 seconds to turn off some effin’ wells, and 3 are up. Boom! – Steven Seagal

After lunch on Sunset Strip, Cynthia visited Hollywood Boulevard, where she bumped into Tony Montana.

Tony Montana
Tony Montana

There’s 4 things that oil companies presidents should know about me. 1) My circle is small, 2) I’m loyal to the end, 3) I don’t like when you guys produce more oil than we need, and 4) never eff me over. Now re-read things 3 and 4 and then give your 2015 development plans a rethink. Okay? OKAY?!! Don’t eff with me!! – Tony Montana

And last but not least, Miss Redbush visited Beverly Hills, where she bumped into arguably the most talented socialite out there, Paris Hilton, who responded with

So… like there’s too much oil out there… and it’s like totally causing some major problems with the way money moves around the country, and some people are getting poor and stuff. People need money, and we want to help. I’m going to ask my dad to like turn up the AC in our hotels, because then the workers there will have to, like, oil the bearings more and that will totally create more demand for oil, because we own something like 10 million hotels, and that’s a lot of bearings…

At this point Cynthia Redbush politely backed away from the conversation with Miss Hilton.

2P News will keep on top of this story and update readers as information becomes available.

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Cynthia comes to 2P from a terrifying role as a land sales administrator with Farmout Energy. After an extremely vocal jab at the CEO during a town hall, she found herself unemployed and being targeted by both Antoine and Darcy for a full time role at 2P News. Digging into the culture of our industry and our city, no one likes to get her hands dirty like Cynthia.

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