Bark Resources stock surges with news of enhanced safety policy

CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary-based Bark Resources saw its stock price tumble 18% in early morning trading on the TSX today after news of the company’s poor safety record over the last 2 fiscal quarters of 2013 hit the streets. BRK.TO traded at a record low $1.28 within a few minutes of the company reporting its 2013 year-end results that outlined a staggering 79 lost-time incidents, 283 near misses, and 3 near death events. The company’s chief executive, Mr. Rod Break, made it very clear at this morning’s investors conference that its field safety record was near perfect, however.

executive
Mr. Rod Break, Bark Resources CEO

This is the first time in our company’s 28-year history that we have reported zero safety incidents in the field throughout an entire calendar year [2013], and for that, I am very proud. All of our our safety problems late in 2013 stem solely from incidents in the head office, and for that, I am deeply ashamed.

I apologize on behalf of the executive team to all of our investors, and I will steadfastly attempt to make our head office much safer, effective immediately. – Mr. Break, CEO

 

According to details from the company’s 2013 Q4 results report, some of the injuries were very strange indeed. Senior field reporter with 2P News, Kevin Barrie, summarized the key incidents below:

  • 2 junior production engineers sustained upper and lower body injuries after attempting to ride a fooseball table down the fire escape stairs in a bobsleigh-type fashion.
  • A senior geologist was almost scalped when his long and unruly pony tail was caught in the doors of an elevator as he stepped off of it.
  • A joint venture representative somehow dislocated 2 fingers and suffered 3rd degree burns on her chest in a Keurig coffee machine mishap.
  • recreation of the engineering flush efficiency incident
    Reenactment of the engineering flush efficiency incident

    3 engineers nearly drowned trying to measure the most effective and efficient flush of several office bathroom toilets and 2 urinals.

  • An executive was rushed to hospital with a cardiac condition after being told to “do something.”
  • A junior geologist was rendered sterile after quite literally getting his rocks scanned with an x-ray diffraction machine.

In light of these injuries and the company’s poor head-office safety results (and ensuing drop in market capitalization), the board of directors and senior executives, lead my Mr. Break, decided to mandate that all head office staff wear full PPE gear to work everyday. This change to the company’s Corporate Policy covers all professionals including accounting, engineering, legal, land, and all support staff including geology. “We realize that this is a somewhat drastic measure for our staff, but it is a step that we must take to appease our investors, because they are the ones who are really important since they have the money,” continues Mr. Break.

safetyfail
Bark Resources’ Chief Technical Officer, after slipping down the stairs while texting on his iPad
Hudd Pockbeg (we don't know either)
Hudd Pockbeg, P.Land, Senior Landman Negotiator

You know, I don’t like the idea of having to wear my full PPE gear around the office. I only have the winter-level coveralls, and they are quite heavy and warm. And my Goodyear boots? They are a hazard on their own. The company hasn’t considered how even simple tasks will be made very cumbersome while wearing safety gloves. I understand that people can get burned around a coffee machine, but have you ever tried manipulating a K-cup while wearing safety mitts? I plan to start job surfing this afternoon.

 

The company plans to roll this new safety regulation out at the beginning of 2014 Q2 and it expects to see its reportable safety incidents cut to nearly zero for the balance of the 2014 calendar year. It also expect its employees to be quite disappointed and the company’s top analysts project that 33% of them will leave the company before the end of the year.

This Just In! A 2P News investigation reveals that Bark Resources’ CEO has a 80% stake in Get Safe Dummy!  Get Safe Dummy! has been noted as a third party source for the manufacture and supply of Bark’s PPE mandated safety gear.  An official Conflict of Interest Investigation has been launched by the company’s Board of Directors, but the results are not expected to be announced until late Q4 2014 or early Q1 2015.  (Far faster than any government inquisition; perhaps these guys should sub-contract themselves out to the world of politics.)