This just in! Human Resources department actually says yes

CALGARY, Alberta – Human resource departments play a critical role in keeping the oil and gas industry moving here in Calgary, Alberta, and indeed throughout the world. Without them, how could oil and gas professionals possibly get their work done?

From explaining sophisticated total compensation plans, to conducting useful online surveys, to implementing creative employee retention incentives, HR specialists, generalists, co-ordinators, analysts, representatives, and assistants world-wide should be commended for their yeoman efforts. The editors at 2P News believe that there should be a national statutory holiday called HR Day.

But Human Resource departments are unfortunately notorious for not allowing staff to do very much, until now. Just last week the Human Resources Council of Alberta announced a new set of relaxed rules that HR professionals apply to staff in the companies where they work. In light of this news, Sheleiila Longback, VP of HR at Apatchy Oil has decided to resurrect a number of HR requests that were originally rejected, and approve them. A summary of these requests and the company’s new replies is presented here:

  • My wife and I are going through fertility treatments, and I’d like to know if I can wear my boxer shorts in my office so that my nuts don’t get overheated? Yes, you can, Mister, yes you can. Fertility treatments now fall under the umbrella of medical care, and we can no longer say no to that.
  • dreadsWould it be okay if I grew my hair into dreadlocks? It’s part of a new religion that I have joined. Dreadlocks, afros, ponytails, pigtails, mullets, you name it. Considering that dreadlocks are part of your new religion, I’m not sure how we got away with saying no in the first place.
  • Can I watch a little hockey from my desk? Yes.
  • Can I watch a little the CFL football from my desk? Of course.
  • Can I watch women’s jello wrestling from my desk? Yes, you may. We are no longer allowed to discriminate one sport from another. So as long as the women are competing, they are engaged in sport, so you may watch it.
  • Screen Shot 2014-02-25 at 10.17.41 PMWill the company the pay for a catheter so that I can be a more productive throughout the day? Last week? No. Today? Yes. We think that this is a great idea that can improve the productivity throughout the company.
  • Can you guys make a smoking area for medicinal marijuana users? Well, this one is tricky. In our Calgary office? No, because it is against the law. In our Boulder, Colorado office? It should be ready for operation next Tuesday.
  • Would I be able to get 3 days funeral leave if my cat dies? Yes. We will grant the extended leave under the new bereavement rules. But your supervisor has to approve the time off.
lady
Sheila Longback

It brings me much pleasure to see that we are now empowered to help our employees live better lives here at the office. The new rules allow us to retroactively approve a number of requests that we had originally rejected, and this has made those people who are still under our employ very happy. – Sheleiila Longback, VP of HR

 

Apparently, the staff at 2P News was operating under the new rules even before they were announced last week by the Human Resources Council of Alberta. According to chief geological editor Antoine McGuilicuddy, some of the things that went on around the 2P News office on 5th Avenue were illegal, but are now just borderline illegal.

(Plans to open an office in Grand Junction Colorado will make most of it legal!)