CHICAGO, Illinois – Former state of Illinois governor Pat Quinn, the man who put the “guber” in the word gubernatorial, announced today along side current governor, Bruce Rauner, that troops from the Illinois State Guard have successfully seized control of the Bakken Shale oil fields of North Dakota. It appears that the motive for the invasion is all about money with little if any political overtones. However, there may be a personal aspect to it.
Illinois has been on the verge of bankruptcy for years, with the current state budget deficit estimated to be $45 billion and has been seeking new sources of revenue.
Governor Quinn, who now sits on the Illinois State Governmental Advisory Committee was quoted as saying,
“That Republican jackass Dalrymple (Jack Dalrymple, governor of North Dakota) bragged about how his state is running a budget surplus, despite sub $50 oil. Now that he doesn’t have that oil severance tax money coming in, let’s see how goddamned smug he is now!” – Former Governor Quinn, Illinois
Mr. Dalrymple is presently at the Motel 6 in Helena, Montana trying to put together a government-in-exile.
Details of the invasion are sketchy, but apparently the troops were transported on Chicago city buses, garbage trucks, school buses and the governor’s limousine. General Nathan DeBility, commander of the Guard, said, “It was a cakewalk. We were pulled over in South Dakota by a highway patrolman but I convinced him that we were just passing through. In North Dakota itself the only opposition was from a couple of sheriffs and a constable. We brought along a couple of old 155 mm howitzers we borrowed from a war museum and those convinced most people to stay out of the way.”
Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is an enthusiastic backer of the invasion and he added, “I called my buddy Barack O’drama and he promised us that the real soldiers at Minot Air Force Base and other federal installations would stay put and not interfere.” Mr. Emanuel refused to answer any questions regarding his being promised a cut of the oil revenue. So far the White House has also been silent on the matter.
Governor-in-exile Dalrymple vowed to organize a resistance. “It’s time for all those militia jackoffs who have been playing soldier over in the Black Hills to put up or shut up.” He attempted to enlist the aid of the Sioux Nation, but they were too busy laughing their asses off. To this, Chief Ethan Naull politely responded,
“If the invaders were the 7th Cavalry, we could get worked up about it. But a bunch of Midwestern bozos? Not a chance!” – Chief Ethan Naull, Sioux Nation