[The following is a transcript of a television interview conducted by Sophia Brahliss of Fox News in New York with Mr. Max Avarice, Chief Executive Officer of TexxonMogul Oil Co. This transcript is the entirety of the interview but profanity was deleted.]
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
Ms. Brahliss: Thank you for joining us this evening, Mr. Avarice. I trust the lighting for the cameras isn’t too bright. You seem to be quite excited.
Mr. Avarice: Blinded by the light. Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.
Ms. Brahliss: Did the bad weather we’re experiencing in New York make it difficult to get here from the airport?
Mr. Avarice: Go Kart Mozart was checking out the weather chart to see if it was safe outside. Little Early Pearly came by in his curly wurly and asked me if I needed a ride.
Ms. Brahliss: You just returned from a trip to India where you attempted to negotiate a new exploration deal with the government and the youthful management of Bengali Oil & Gas, Ltd. I hear it didn’t go well.
Mr. Avarice: Madman drummer bummers, Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat. In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat.
Ms. Brahliss: It must have been disconcerting to be by far the oldest person in the room in Mumbai. Weren’t you falling ill at this time?
Mr. Avarice: With a boulder on my shoulder feeling kinda older I tripped the merry go round. With this very unpleasing sneezing and wheezing the calliope crashed to the ground.
Ms. Brahliss: Is it true that they attempted to influence your judgment by offering you a prostitute and drugs?
Mr. Avarice: Some silicone sister with her manager mister told me I got what it takes. She said I’ll turn you on sonny to something strong, play the song with the funky break.
Ms. Brahliss: What?
Mr. Avarice: The calliope crashed to the ground and she was blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.
[At this point Mr. Avarice’s personal assistant, Manfred Mann, intervened and cut short the interview. He escorted Mr. Avarice out of the studio, explaining that he is suffering from dehydration and a high fever.]