Keystoned Pipeline approved amid controversy

This article was originally published in 2013. It is being republished today because of 2P News staff vacation.

NELSON, British Columbia – In a first-of-a-kind landmark agreement, the Province of British Columbia and the State of California have ratified an agreement to build a 2,300 km pipeline that will carry vapourized medicinal marijuana from Nelson, BC to Los Angeles, CA.

The idea behind the Keystoned Pipeline is to supply a steady stream of ready-to-inhale, BC grown marijuana to the estimated 22 million medicinal marijuana users in the State of California (roughly 79% of the state’s population according to a recent poll whose respondents, 8/10 of them, giggled uncontrollably throughout the survey* (*survey has a 1% error)).

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John Dooley, Mayor of Nelson, BC.

“I fully expect this project to revitalize the City of Nelson, because ever since the mining industry shut down, there hasn’t been really much for the locals to do other than ski, fish, drink beer, hang around, and smoke grass. The new vapourization plant will create at least 125 jobs and generate significant revenue for the city coffers.

The plant’s only byproduct is vapourized marijuana that got too hot and burned a little bit through the process. But this waste gas is pumped out of the plant into a number of area hippie communes to keep their inhabitants from uprising against the plant’s very existence. I believe this idea is a win all around.” – John Dooley, Mayor of Nelson

The entire project is estimated to cost $3.7 billion dollars and take 2.5 years to complete. It will comprise a major vapourization plant within the Nelson city limits, a main trunk line that will run the entire distance to Los Angeles, and a number of smaller offshoots that will deliver the vapourized marijuana to specific outlets on the way to the LA terminal. The figure below shows the facilities and the pipeline routes that have thus far been proposed:

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Planned pipeline and facilities from Nelson, BC to Los Angeles, CA.

Opponents of this approved pipeline, including high-ranking officials from Washington, DC, claim that pipeline breaks could be detrimental to work ethic and devastating for snack food supplies and suppliers. They are concerned that Californians and those near other terminals, especially those without a license to consume medicinal marijuana, will become affected by any leaked vapours leading to a significant decrease in motivation which could adversely impact an already shaky US economy.

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Barack Obrama speaking on the approved Keystoned Pipeline

“I’d like to tell you… the good people of America… that I opposed… meaning I was not in favor of… this proposed pipeline.

The citizens of the State of California… are… are already relaxed as it is… and we as an American people cannot accept them getting any more relaxed. We must band together… as a group of united states… to appeal the decision to approve this pipeline. We must do it as a country… we must do it now. As Americans, it is what we do… we must stay determined… we must stay true. It is our constitutional duty… to protect our people… and to protect our economy.” Balack Odrama, US President

Reports indicate that Californians are largely in favour of the approved pipeline. A San Francisco area man was reported to have said:

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San Fransisco area man, Jules McRedeye

“Dude, I think the gubment should totally Marilize Legajuana – is that what we’re talkin’ about? Although my prescription ran out, I still smoke grass when my tennis elbow acts up, and this massive, transcontinental bong will be a good thing, because I love me some BC bud. <massive inhale followed by a long pause>

Umm… errr… dude… ¬†ev’r wondered how hard a couch would have to be…<exhale> before it is considered a bench? You guys the cops? <runs away in a paranoid frenzy>” – Jules McRedeye, hungry supporter

California’s Department of Fisheries, Wildlife and Environment is diametrically opposed to the idea citing that pipeline leaks could result in lazy racoons, bears with the munchies destroying campsites, and birds whistling grunge music. Morever, they are concerned that leaks nearby guerilla grow ops could affect the cannabis plants, thereby creating a much stronger super-strain of marijuana buds.

The Federal Government of the United States recently filed an appeal to the Supreme Court to have this approval overturned.

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