Killer Klowns from Outer Space to Invest in Moosepeace Beer

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Monsieur Pierre Francais-Allemagne
Monsieur Pierre Francais-Allemagne

HUDSON BAY, Quebec – Pierre Francais-Allemagne, President and CEO of Moosepeace Beer of Hudson Bay announced today that the company is receiving a major infusion of badly-needed capital from the Killer Klowns.  He said,

“Competition in today’s beer market is brutal and we have to grow in order to compete.  This investment will allow us to double the size of our brewery.  We already have a major presence in Canada and now we can focus on growing our international sales.”

The Killer Klowns are best known for their brief invasion of Earth near Crescent Cove, California in the 1980’s that was documented in the film Killer Klowns from Outer Space, produced in 1988.  That invasion failed when humans discovered that popping the Killer Klowns’ noses like balloons with a sharp object caused them to self-destruct.  The mother ship that resembled a circus tent was destroyed when it attempted to take off.

Killer Klown Representative ʘʭϑ҉⅞
Killer Klown Representative ʘʭϑ҉⅞

When asked for a rationale for the investment, Killer Klown representative ʘʭϑ҉⅞ responded,

“We don’t want to repeat the mistake we made the last time with that nose thing.  We were going to just wear hardened nose guards, but that kind of spoils the whole Klown look.  We took a chance going in bare that simply didn’t work out.”

ʘʭϑ҉⅞ continued, “Based on our continuing observation of Earth, we see that people who are bombed on Moosepeace beer have zero motor skills and can’t find their own asses with both hands, much less our noses.  So, the next time we invade we’ll leave a couple of truckloads of Moosepeace beer in the middle of some place like downtown Calgary and just wait.  The humans there, especially the oil and gas guys, will swill themselves into a stupor.  Then it’s easy pickings.”

When asked about his wanton betrayal of humanity, Mr. Francais-Allemagne responded,

“Le Klowns de Tueur promised to stay away from Quebec.  This is all I care about because I am French and as alien as the Klowns.  In fact, I applaud their plan to invade Alberta.  Then those NDP buffoons will get to see what serious clowning is all about.”

The North American Air Defense Command (NORAD) took note of the Killer Klowns’ intentions and issued the following statement:  “This threat of an alien Killer Klown invasion is being taken quite seriously by our governments and the military.  We have bolstered our primary defenses, especially that part of Earth’s atmosphere that acts as a shield known as the Bozone layer.”

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Dr. Darcy Flowman is a 2P News co-founder. Before transitioning into a career in news publishing, Dr. Flowman worked as a Reservoir Engineering technician working up reservoirs throughout the entire Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin. Darcy holds a B.Sc. in applied engineering physics, a M.Sc. in restorative arts, and a Ph.D. in overnight cemetery management.

3 COMMENTS

  1. Dear Kate,
    This is as real as it gets, and yes, it’s on the World Wide Web, so what do you think? I’ve come to expect nothing less than the finest journalistic work from the crew over at 2P. Keep it up.

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