Leaked: Kinder Morgan announces plan to mediate trade battle

CALGARY, Alberta – In the wake of recent trade aggression between the Alberta and British Columbia governments that have been making international headlines, Kinder Morgan has apparently come up with a solution to benefit all parties involved.

A recently leaked memo suggests Kinder Morgan is planning to step up and build a third pipeline along the same route planned for the Trans Mountain. This third pipeline is no ordinary pipeline, however, it will be custom built to transport British Columbia wine to Alberta sales distribution centres.

The memo detailed a 4 inch, food-safe, Pyrex-lined aluminium pipeline with replaceable valves and a 1 inch external casing to catch wine in the case of a failure.  A much needed safety measure to avoid intoxicating any wildlife near potential leaks.

According to the leaked memo, Kinder Morgan is also planning to build a new sales and distribution centre in Alberta to bottle and ship the BC product, potentially creating a dozen or so jobs for out-of-work Alberta tradesmen tradeshumans.  British Columbia could also benefit by employing thousands of local quality control professionals and leak detection staff permanently posted at 2 to 3 km intervals along the new pipeline.  Boredom would not be a factor if they were given a directive to sample the product as it flowed east.

Wine quality control staff would use the ‘taste and spit’ method, as depicted here.

Representatives from the Alberta government could not be reached for comment, but a Calgary-area man asked about the idea had this to say:

“I think it’s a really good compromise.  We ship natural resources and Canada benefits, we get BC wine in bulk so we can get drunk enough not to care we live next to BC.  Winning!” – Bobby Razrisun, Professional Stephen Avenue Surfer

The proposal could gain traction with BC wineries and orchards, but there is still the environmental aspect to consider.  The revised NEB pipeline program guided by Prime Minister Trudeau doesn’t seem to have provisions for food grade infrastructure, which could lead to more delays and new community consultation processes.

The leaked memo has not been officially recognized by Kinder Morgan management or even an official employee. But according to a source close to the subject who spoke to us under conditions of anonymity, Kinder Morgan is looking to call the project the TransMountain Wineline.

2P News investigators acknowledge that the memo, found in a food court trash can outside the head office of Kinder Morgan Canada, looked official enough to publish given the drastically lowered standards of today’s main stream media.

3 COMMENTS