CALGARY, Alberta – Shares of LEG Up NRG (LUN.TO) plummeted in early morning trading on the TSX after investors caught wind of a report detailing a number of allegedly dubious positions either filled or currently available at LEG UP NRG. The report, that was anonymously leaked to 2P News, has left investors, analysts, and others in Calgary’s oil and gas sector in shock. The Calgary-based intermediate producer was the subject of an 18-month investigation headed by the Alberta’s Securities Commission after it received hundreds of complaints claiming that, “a number of the positions at LEG Energy seem out of place and irrational.” David McBoostnee, the ASC’s lead investigator on the case was dumbfounded with some of the titles.
“We typically do not get involved in matters related to human resources, but the frivolous nature of the complaints combined with the fact that LEG NRG is publically traded forced us into action. And when I read that one of the complaints was about a lady who called herself LEG’s ‘Senior Patron Saint of Community Outreach, Upliftment, & Social Responsibility’ I knew it was my duty, and in the best interests of Albertans, for me to get to the bottom of this case.” – David McBoostnee, ASC investigator
According to the 52-page report that was leaked to 2P News late yesterday, LEG NRG has been maintaining at least 72 positions for over 5 years that do not meet the guidelines set out by the Alberta Oil and Gas Job Titles Accreditation Board. With permission from the ASC, despite the leaked status of the report, 2P News has summarized just a few of the titles, and what the 2P News team infers that the positions entail.
Staff Senior Legal Ninja – We figure this must be another name for a lawyer who is involved with mineral rights disputes. Why Ninja? Because our recent surveillance shows that the person with this title indeed dresses in ninja garb and is rarely seen in meetings, yet his samurai presence is strongly felt.
Chief Inspiration Officer – This position is held by somebody who essentially encourages “belief in the company” and “internal evangelism of its values.” This position requires CHRP designation, because only in the HR world would you see a title containing the word inspirational.
Director of Handshake Training – Okay, we’ve all shaken hands with a grown man whose hand feels like a wet noodle – yuck. But to have a person committed to ensuring that handshakes offered by MEG employees are solid… that’s taking things to a new level. This position is held by a person who visits MEG staff to ensure that they are properly trained in the art of handshaking.
Corporate Accounting Magician – Corporate? Accounting? Magic? Can we say Enron.
Principal Field Beverage Dissemination & Distribution Officer – 2P News, through its deep connections in the industry, was able to determine that LEG hires people at every field office whose sole responsibility it is to pour drinks for the field staff, while they are on break from the visiting well sites.
Digital Overlord – We gather this is synonym for any IT manager. This is typically the name they give themselves when they partake in LARPing activities along the Bow River over the lunch hour.
Director, Talent Acquisition – Need we say more? Yes, we need to. This position resides in the HR branch of the org tree and has to do with hiring. Okay, enough said.
Geofantastical Co-ordinator – Even our own decorated and seasoned staff geological expert, Antoine McGuilicuddy, couldn’t figure this one out, but he’s working on it.
The leaked report also detailed the roles and responsibilities for the titles Senior VP Operational Operations, Intermediate Intranet & Internet Communications Advisor, Home Office Construction Manager, Petroleum Transfer Engineer-in-Training, and Associate to the Executive Manager of Marketeering and Conservation Efforts. Investors are fuming at these titles, claiming that their high cost (most have base salaries that exceed $200/year), is very difficult to justify in today’s depressed oil and gas commodity price environment. Stan Fingerling, who has a 2 per cent stake in LEG NRG had the following to 2P News reporter Rodecker Smith when asked about the report.
“Principal Field Beverage Dissemination & Distribution Officer? Are you kidding me?! That’s a bartender in the field! I have a lot of money tied up with LEG and I’m sick and tired of how they are managing things.” – Stan Fingerling, investor
Attempts to reach LEG Up Energy were unsuccessful with our numerous voicemails ignored by the company’s Chief Incriminating Evidence Shredder, who was apparently very busy.