Hollimorton re-signs settlement for Macondo damages

HOUSTON, Texas – After a clerical error was identified on the agreement that it signed with English Petroleum on September 02, 2014 to settle for damages arising from the Macondo blowout fiasco, Hollimorton just this morning announced that re-signed a new agreement that will see it agree to pay US$12 for its involvement.

The recent decision to re-settle the damages has many wondering how the oilfield service giant managed to pay so little for the 2010 mishap that caused significant social, environmental, and ecological damage, whose impacts will be felt for decades.

Legal representation for Hollimorton was answering just that after news of the settlement was leaked to the press.

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Chucky Hedgeman, P.Law.

The first agreement was null and void when I noticed that it was dated on the year 1041 instead of 2014, and the last time I checked, my client’s time machine was in the shop for repairs. So, we had to do it all over again, we are now all signed off, and there will be no more liability involvement for my client, Hollimorton LLC.

The deal was struck between Hollimorton and English Petroleum once they agreed to terms, and representative damage percentages.  I realize that some at EP may now be aware the dollar figure in the agreement was 12, not 12 Billion, but they signed off, and I cannot be held responsible for people that don’t read contracts thoroughly and with due diligence. – Chucky Hedgeman, Swink Dinque & Puupe

While the settlement comes as no surprise, the amount Hollimorton has committed to pay was.  According to a local news report, no one on EP’s side of the negotiating table was aware the amount was a  measly $12.00 in US funds.  All involved assumed it was a higher percentage of the cost, and was actually $12 Billion.

macondo2
Satellite imagery showing the pattern formed by the 2010 oil spill disaster. Some experts say that it bears a striking resemblance to Hollimorton executive Dick Cheney

This signed agreement clearly leaves English Petroleum holding the preverbal bag for almost all of the outstanding damages, 99.999987361%, to be exact.

Analysts with Crocker and Beckett suggest this could break EP, and all of its subsidiary holding companies.

We see a crash for the big oil producer, and it won’t be pretty.  They are going to face massive layoffs and property sales, and maybe even filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  Who knows?  Somehow Hollimorton swindled them.  It’s gonna get ugly. – Chad Suzziette, Acount Analyst

The news of a payout has led many to accept Hollimorton’s culpability in the events leading up to the tragedy, but others still say it will never be enough.

Many environmental protection groups would prefer to see Hollimorton and English Petroleum close their doors permanently, and now, it seems they may get half of their wish.

<Note from the 2P News team: Happy Thanksgiving, Canada! Enjoy the holiday Monday>

3 COMMENTS

    • Yeah, what a bunch of cheap jive-time turkeys. $12?! That’s a Starbucks coffee up here in downtown Calgary.

      What a joke.

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